I wrote as my status on Facebook today that if you have ever felt like a train wreck, I totally understand. Here is my perspective on the thing though, and how my vacation played out in me having to write this down.
A train wreck, everyone expects to be chaos and misery, fire and death. Having now survived one, literally having my train crash into a truck on the tracks on the way from Denver to Frasier, the majority of train wrecks are really more like the one I was in. It was a loud screech, a big bang, a forced stop that leaves you off balance and shaky, and then a whole lot of waiting that really just fucking pisses you off.
I realized, as I laughed with my kids once we knew no one was injured or killed, that this is life. One train crash after another, completely out of your control except for how you react. And the waiting, well, that is just the next thing too. It is the way it needs to be, a way to steady yourself again, so you can stand and breathe. It allows you to get completely angry during the wait, doing nothing but waiting, and then the cheer of relief as you actually start moving again.
In this scenario, life as a train wreck, I realized I have chosen to be the train. Maybe it chose me, but whatever. The train gets to stay on a track, head in a chosen direction, pick up speed or slow down as the circumstances warrant, hit the brakes when necessary, and has a really cool horn. It also is bigger and more bad-ass than some wimpy sedan that ran the gate and gets plowed down.
I am not saying that being able to run people over is a good thing, I am just saying that the train survives 99% of the time. Yes, it has to wait, and it's schedule gets all hosed in the process, but mostly, it just gets to wait the crash out, sometimes getting pissed off in the process, while others make some irrelevant decisions, and then gets to get back on track, so to speak. I like that about my decisions. I like that eventually, while waiting around in a huff, I will get to move on again. I will know the path as it was, right there waiting for me all along.
My counselor will probably say this is counter productive. Something along the lines of "Does everything in your life HAVE to be a train wreck?" I suppose not, but it is what I have. My life always at some sort of crossroads. Always making decisions. Sometimes the decisions are hard, and I fail. Sometimes they are about things that are scary. Sometimes they are just about being needy or lonely. But while standing on the crossroad, I don't always have to be the sedan getting smashed. Maybe, instead of being the person who cautiously looks around and makes sure everything is in just the right place before moving out across the tracks, I could just be the train, already knowing my path. Maybe I don't have to look back, or even forward, but the tracks will just open out before me, wide and strong and headed in the right direction.
Either way, it is at the top of my list, and I am not ignoring anymore train wrecks in my life. I am just picking to be on the tracks when the wait is over.
