Today my blog is an assignment. Yep, I get to write about anger. I probably should be pissed about that, but I am not. Maybe it is part of letting go, finding new avenues.
I could write lists about all the things in my life I am angry about. I could number them, add bubble speech captions, color-code them with pretty pastel pencils. I could write novels. I can, and have, held them close as specific possessions that I could line-up on a shelf, take each one down and tell the story. Creative words, funny words, things that could make you cry. It almost feels like each story that has anger and hurt attached is some kind of badge of honor. Yep, that sounds pathetic even to me.
I wrote before about taking photos. Professional photos where I look beautiful. I have been enjoying what that feeling is, and the more I enjoy that comfort, the easier it is to be in it. I can look at myself in the mirror and see outstanding qualities instead of just the flaws. I had been holding on to the flaws, not because I liked them, but because they were comfortable, a known quantity, and having had years of backup pointing out the flaws, it was routine. I think anger has been a lot like that.
Now, with that said, I can't even begin to pretend that I was DOING anything about my anger. Nope, that would not have been my style. I wouldn't have an artifact on my shelf if I had already done something about it. Seems I am a hoarder. I hoard my anger and turn it in to my own head and heart. Channeling Yoda: MINE MINE MINE. The anger becomes depression, and duh, depression is the reason I have this assignment to begin with. I must have thought that if there was no anger, there would be nothing at all, and that is scary, not feeling anything. Been there, done that. So I guess I am doing something about it, at $115 bucks a pop.
What would my life be like with out all of the anger? hmm... Maybe I would stand a little taller, without the anger backpack attached. Maybe I would be thinner, without the anger blanket wrapped so tightly around me. Maybe the people (read that as men) I have in my life would not spend their entire time trying to shoot grenades at me just to see what kind of reaction they could get, and then laugh it off as "only kidding" (being the overly sensitive bitch that I am you see HA). Maybe the new emotions of love and respect and generosity would stand a chance.
I was listening to a song this morning on my drive to work. Five for Fighting I think, a song about Superman. Now I don't think of myself as a Superhero, but I thought about Superman and his relationship to Kryptonite. All the comic books, and all the movies portray Superman as weak and helpless when he is confronted with a stone from his own world. He cowers and falls. He is weak. But the more I thought about it, the more that did not make sense. He was not weak, he was just suddenly normal. His abilities to shrug off huge problems became the same as any other person on the planet, and he failed to see that his super-human false shield made him forget that he was okay without it. Yes, his head could now get whacked off by a meteor precariously plummeting towards Earth, and yes, being able to get from New York to LA in 6.4 seconds would be missed, but what was he really losing in just being human. Humans are pretty damn strong come to think of it.
So what happens if I let go of the anger. First, I guess I get to recognize that I am human, and anger is just ONE of a million emotions I am allowed to feel at any time. Second, I am going to remember that I like the positive emotions that I get, a lot. Third, as I feel the other/positive emotions and they become part of my comfort zone, I get to reset my brain to accept them. Fourth, fifth and sixth, I get a clean shelf for other pretty artifacts, ones I had not room for because of all the other crowed junk holding court in the space. I get more happy stories to tell, and these are ones I could actually tell and not feel all the energy drain out of me. And I get to save some counseling money that I could use to get a massage instead. Joy for me!
This Kryptonite is feeling pretty nice in my hands. It is kind of a pretty color. It is just the right shape, and see how it brightens up my room. I might decorate my whole life in these colors. What a thought. I could get used to this.
