I get to have my wishes to the Universe tested.
I have been sending out, almost to the point of mindlessly, the idea that if I could just have my children's father in the same room for a conversation for, say, an hour, we *might* get to work some things out regarding our children. I asked for this as an intention on the Solstice in June. I wrote it as a wave wish a dozen plus more times over the last five months. I have written about it here, and even added it to recent court documents.
The universe answered my desire by forcing me back in to court mediation, where my ex will sit, papers in hand, in front of a mediator, with just me, for a little over an hour, at an appointment next week. The humor of it being on the Winter Solstice did not escape me. It fits, to the day, the timeline I had asked for back on the Summer Solstice. It is also humorous to note that the Solstices are the two actual "holidays" I truly celebrate, and asked for through the courts, only to have them denied as too complicated to work into a schedule (Like somehow June 21 and Dec 21 each year comes at a different time on the calendar, but I digress.) So this "meeting" I have wanted seems like a funny-ha-ha way of getting what I need.
Need, you say? Yes, it is my need. It is going to give me a chance, not to bash my ex, but to tell someone, anyone who matters in the legal system, why I am a good mom, and why the stability I provide my kids should continue. I am going to do my best to work on my tone, and not come across as a selfish bitch just because I put up my big-ol-fear wall to keep from getting hurt. I am going to explain our schedule and routine, talk about how we bond and reconnect at the end of each day, and on the drive home on visitation weekends. I am going to show the report cards showing perfect attendance and good grades, and praising my children as social and creative. I am going to also talk about sleep and friends and play that will be lost if the schedule changes.
At my attorney's urging, I will also talk about my ex's inconsistency with decisions, with desires, and with routines. I will point out that while he has good intentions to participate in his children's lives, he has had 63 opportunities to come to their counseling appointments, and has managed to make to only 1 in 2 1/2 years. I will have to tell the mediator that while he says he wants time to volunteer at the school, he has picked up the kids on Wednesday 89 times, and has yet to stop in to volunteer in the classroom. I will have to tell the mediator about the missed Parent Open House, and the missed School Festival, and the missed field trips, all known about in advance since I give him the heads up, the paperwork, and the sent-home notes every single time.
I will have to talk about my children. I will need to talk about how my son hates transitions, and about the crying at drop off time at preschool, and the whining at pick up time at the youth center. I will point out the counselor’s report talking about consistency for him in everything from schedules to meals and bedtime, and how he functions on the premise that if anything needs to change he needs days to assimilate it before a tentative change can occur.
I will need to talk about my daughter wanting to be a beautiful fashion diva. I will talk about her bathroom time, and her bedroom being decorated, and about the jewelry box. I will tell the mediator about how she doesn't like baseball curtains and sharing a bunk bed with her brother. And about how she feels about her body, and her hair, and her nails, and her clothes. I will talk about her best friend moving to Singapore as part of her father's military job, and how much my daughter has been worried about this for months. I will talk about comfort and sadness and desire. I will tell the mediator about the day my ex's new wife decided to euthanize the family dog, and how my daughter called me for comfort, even though there was 7 other people in the house. I will talk about loss, and memories, and why she loves her life now.
I will have to talk about alcohol. I will have to talk about vicious emails. I will have to talk about broken promises.
I will have to tell the Mediator that the kids already told this to their father, not only once, but multiple times, in Family meetings he had to be forced into attending, and in notes about things they want changed, and to their counselor, and while sitting on his lap, very specifically, while simultaneously being ignored. I will have to point out that he doesn’t really know anything about his children, because how could he. He doesn’t have that skill.
I will have to keep my cool, show why I am stable, and not give in to my usual temptation to try to fix things for the abusers in my life. Yes, I said that: Abusers. I have done this consistently for such a long time that it has often felt normal. The role I accept and continue to feel outside of as I stand up for myself.
It will try my best not to cry and hold my ex’s hand (that was what I did at the last mediation, 2½ years ago) and remember just how much better my life is now. I just need to be myself and allow all that I have learned and become to be the guiding force.
But here is my Universe, answering for me, that maybe being in the same room will help. I don’t expect my children’s father to suddenly come to his senses, stop drinking and start a twelve step, and begin praising me as the good mother I am. I don’t need his approval or acceptance. What I do need is to have him be himself in front of the mediator, and let the actions of the last couple years be what comes through. His and mine both. It really does speak for itself, if the people who matter can listen.
I think the Universe is sending me a signal. It is saying the test is coming, but it is coming at a time when I am at my strongest, with the most support. Blessed Solstice. I will try to make my wishes more specific though. How about I ask for comfort and ease, blessings and virtue, friends and love. Can’t go wrong with those.
