I ended a friendship this week. Yes, by choice. Yes, it might have started out as a misunderstanding, or circumstances spinning out of control. Yes, I can see why the former friend might have been upset. I can even say, with an accurate amount of certainty, that I was not the only one feeling the way I was feeling, I was just the only one who said anything. It happens that way sometimes. I said goodbye, politely, and I don't regret it.
I was told by a mutual friend that she was sad that the friendship between me and my former friend had ended. I asked her why? She replied that it is always sad when friendships end. I wanted to beg to differ, saying that friendships don't end, that isn't the way friendships work. Friendships stick around. Friendships survive. Friendships grow. If they aren't the kind that can do that, maybe they aren't friendships any more, and that letting go is all that is left.
I knew the end of the friendship was coming for months. A series of things had happened that helped me to know this person was heading into something that was not going to be good, no matter what the spin-doctors could have conjured. I could see it, can still see it. I had been there. Depression, sadness, compliance, anxiety, all being masked and fronted by anger and control. On the surface, she looked great. Losing weight, busy, making plans. Changing friends, buying new clothes, new hobbies, errands to run. While on the outside that all looks great. And while I am not pretending for one second to have anything figured out (if you have ever read my blog, or do so now, you would know I am far from having most things figured out on any given day) but this one I got. Depression and me, well, we are intimate. She is heading where I had been. I can't warn her off, and trying, well, that was kinda pointless, too.
I thought about this writing for a long time before sitting at the keyboard. I wondered when the sad was going to hit me. I wondered if it would sneak up on me and leave me crying or angry when I least expected it. It hasn't happened. I don't think it will. I think it is exactly like I had told my other friend; that it was just the letting go part left, and I did that really quickly this time.
I am grateful to this former friend. She taught me some things about the nature of the people I want in my life. I no longer want people who control just because they think they can. Not ones who try from a position of demand, rather than from a position of leadership. I do not think of her as a leader, so I could never have followed. I no longer want people in my life who have no sense of other people. Hide it behind words like "suffering from high self-esteem" really just means self-centered control freak with no ability to see how other people view you. I don't think anyone "has to" live by another person's definition of who they are. Measuring yourself with someone else's stick is just silly. But being able to see yourself though someone else’s eyes is just a skill everyone should try their best to have. Not so you can see if your butt is too big, but to see if your heart is too small. My former friend does not have that skill, and having friends with that skill is essential to me. It allows for communication on anything. And compromise. And compassion. And love.
So don’t feel sad for the loss of this friendship. It hasn’t been a friendship in a very long time, at least not by how I am choosing friendships at this point in my life. And letting go has become easier and easier as I know more and more about myself. Worth a fight to keep it? Nope. High price? Nah. I have definitely come to believe that what is worth the price is always with the fight, and this price was easy to pay, and not worth the fight. Saying goodbye should always be like this, when closing a door just stops the cold from coming in, and relieves the burden. Like I said near the top, I don’t regret it. It is warmer on this side.
