This week is the Jewish High Holiday of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.
No, I am not Jewish. I actually was raised Catholic. Most of my beliefs now center around some of the more mystical native traditions, with a core belief that there is no heaven to achieve, nor hell to avoid, except that which we create and allow in our life here on Mother Earth.
I attend a local Unitarian Universalist church. I do so because with in my core beliefs also reside the need to *do* something besides think of myself. It revolves around community, giving what you can, and seeing how others might both need from us, and share with us a desire for social justice and a liberal peace. I mean, in my limited view of the meaning of God, a person can not rightly claim a genuine relationship if others are persecuted and marginalized, often at the own believer's hand.
I want my kids to get this, too. It might mean that we do not eat our favorite strawberries if the farm workers that picked them were paid less than a living wage. It might mean we attend the wedding of a same sex couple while the grandparents look away and shamefully shake their heads. It might mean we cook spaghetti, or risk getting arrested, or speak up when a "respected" individual is acting like a bully. All in all, it means action both in our hearts, and in our deeds. Finding a path that is not created by throwing stones in another person's way.
So why mention Yom Kippur?
On Sunday, while thinking I would get a little kick in the spiritual pants with an upbeat sermon on justice or something or other, I got a revelation-kick-in-the-head-god-is-talking-to-you-dumbass moment. Damn it. The topic: forgiving the person who has injured you. Fuck, really? The answer: Yes, because if not, you are just a-smug-little-rat-bastard-who-thinks-she-is-perfect-so-get-the-fuck-out-of-my-way.
Okay, the minister did not actually say that. He was much more polite as he talked about seeking forgiveness in two different ways. If you had injured your own soul, and needed to right it with your own spiritual power, then do so, and move on. But if you have hurt someone else, even by the act of denying them forgiveness, you need to right it with them. A bunch of different examples popped into my head as he talked it through: Give unto Caesar that which is Caesar's; Steps 8 and 9 in the Big Book; The Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz. Yes, strange and varied things spinning their way through my conscience all coming back to the same message. If you don't forgive someone, you carry the burden yourself. If you don't forgive someone, you set yourself up for all the rest of the bad stuff to happen. If you don't forgive someone, you are throwing rocks in their path. If you don't forgive someone, how would you ever be deserving of forgiveness yourself when you mess up. And you know you will. I know I will. Eventually. I always do. Shit. I can only save myself.
So while contemplating my grudges, and realizing my nature of holding forgiveness like some kind of prize, I had actually come to the conclusion that I suck at forgiveness. I don't wanna forgive. I like my little badges of hurt and resentment. I get to be a victim, damn it, I earned it. Be a nasty bitch to me, I get to hate you forever. Make a crude or vile comment to me, and I will not only know when you said it, but know your tone, inflection, and what color shirt you were wearing right then as well. I might go away to lick my wounds, but is only so I have enough strength to come back and hold your nastiness over you at some later date. I mean, it takes a damn strong person to climb that high up on my high-horse.
So if in the recent, or not so recent past, I have done something to hurt you, please forgive me. I am sorry. Let me make amends, and atone to you my desire to change. If I am your target, and you have asked for me to forgive you and I have held it over you instead, I will try to do better, and forgive so that we both have the opportunity to put down our burdens. Don't, at least right now, expect that it means friendship. But please know it means civility and no worsening of your pain, how ever I may have contributed to it.
So I hope you find your own path. I will be over here, trying not to wreck mine, saving the only life I can save. No hell or heaven except that which we create. I will stay out of your journey, with a little bit of atonement for possibly having blocked your way before, and not doing it today.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
All things can be fixed with duct tape.
Last week my daughter got a "Fix It" ticket at school. And while I could write a whole bunch about my reaction to the ticket, and how much of it had related to things that had already been "fixed", I really want to talk about how this got blown out of proportion in the days that followed,and how some people in my life (and hers) just didn't get it.
To give you a frame of reference, a "Fix It" ticket at school is a lot like the kind you get for your car. A person in authority (a cop or a teacher) stops you when they notice something that needs to change. If it was a busted taillight, or a cracked windshield, an officer could give you a fix-it and let you know the "penalty" to make it all good again. I am all for this in society, when often the thing that need fixing is just because you were lazy, possibly didn't know, or otherwise just needed a point in the right direction to be in compliance. All in all, the fix-it will ultimately get you in compliance and no-harm, no-foul. Mess up a second time, and the fix-it is a kind of proof that you had a chance and chose not to take it. Sorta like the DMV database.
For the school, it kinda works the same way. The school tries to give you the chance to change the action or behavior if it is a "first-time" offense. Maybe a kid just didn't know they were hurting another kid's feelings, or that dirty Kleenexes belong in the trash. Whatever it was, the kid is getting the chance to make it better and do the right thing. I say awesome to that. If it works, and you don't have to constantly punish or remind, all the better. Blow it by doing it again, and there is no excuses.
But I digress.
On Sunday, a couple days after the fix-it was given to my daughter, an argument that a child should never have to endure happened. Granted, I was not actually in the argument, I just felt the sting of it as my daughter came out of her father's house, barefoot and crying, and not able to function. My son, the calm one of the two this time, explained that he had just needed to stand up for his sister because the woman my children's father is married to had just verbally slammed my daughter. Actually what he said to my query of "What happened?" was " (insert psychopath name here) happened!"
My daughter (age 10)had just been called a bitch by her father's wife (age 51), and then heard the same person yell at her "You are going to grow up to be a bitch just like your Mom!". She had to further endure her dad not only saying nothing, but nodding in agreement.
I got this first-person account of it after we drove away. It will be an issue for attorneys and courts and blah blah blah par for the course bullshit. But I believe my daughter and son unconditionally. This is big enough that they would not lie about it. I know my kids, and it happened, and will be dealt with.
Here is the part that ties in the whole "fix it" part though. Yesterday at visitation, my daughter's father suggested that his wife be given a "Fix It" ticket for her bad words and out burst. BWAHAHAHA!!! I just about peed my pants laughing at that. A fix it ticket? To a 51 year old woman with a history of emotionally unstable angry outbursts? To an emotionally immature man who, through his lack of response, actually allowed my daughter to be verbally abused, even more so that he participated as a bully's henchman? That is some funny shit.
Yep, even my kids could spot the bullshit flaw in that thought. That was when I knew that not only would the "Fix It" at school work, but that the life lesson had transferred: 1) Authority figures (cops, teachers, and in this case, parents) have an obligation to point out and correct undesirable behavior. 2) The person who was the target of the unwanted behavior (say, the kid who picks his nose and then wipes it on his desk, or the 10 year old who rolled her eyes) does not have to do anything to both warrant the protection of the authorities, nor have to face the attackers. 3) Fixing it means changing yourself, not them (or replacing your light bulb, not yelling at the cop).
My kids got it. Issuing their dad's wife a fix-it ticket would not do one damn thing to change anything. It might make it worse because it would imply that it was the first time and could be corrected. We all knew that wasn't the case and that, if by the age of 51, you had not figured out how to control your temper and not use ugly words, you really were beyond the "Fix It" ticket stage. It did, however, help my kids to understand that they could change their behavior. It might get them in some trouble with their dad when they truly start to ignore his wife, but that life lesson will just have to be okay, too.
I wonder if I will be offered a fix-it when this blog is read, again implying that something should be done to change it. I don't think so, but I will laugh really hard if it is suggested. I also have a roll of red duct tape you can borrow for that tail light.
To give you a frame of reference, a "Fix It" ticket at school is a lot like the kind you get for your car. A person in authority (a cop or a teacher) stops you when they notice something that needs to change. If it was a busted taillight, or a cracked windshield, an officer could give you a fix-it and let you know the "penalty" to make it all good again. I am all for this in society, when often the thing that need fixing is just because you were lazy, possibly didn't know, or otherwise just needed a point in the right direction to be in compliance. All in all, the fix-it will ultimately get you in compliance and no-harm, no-foul. Mess up a second time, and the fix-it is a kind of proof that you had a chance and chose not to take it. Sorta like the DMV database.
For the school, it kinda works the same way. The school tries to give you the chance to change the action or behavior if it is a "first-time" offense. Maybe a kid just didn't know they were hurting another kid's feelings, or that dirty Kleenexes belong in the trash. Whatever it was, the kid is getting the chance to make it better and do the right thing. I say awesome to that. If it works, and you don't have to constantly punish or remind, all the better. Blow it by doing it again, and there is no excuses.
But I digress.
On Sunday, a couple days after the fix-it was given to my daughter, an argument that a child should never have to endure happened. Granted, I was not actually in the argument, I just felt the sting of it as my daughter came out of her father's house, barefoot and crying, and not able to function. My son, the calm one of the two this time, explained that he had just needed to stand up for his sister because the woman my children's father is married to had just verbally slammed my daughter. Actually what he said to my query of "What happened?" was " (insert psychopath name here) happened!"
My daughter (age 10)had just been called a bitch by her father's wife (age 51), and then heard the same person yell at her "You are going to grow up to be a bitch just like your Mom!". She had to further endure her dad not only saying nothing, but nodding in agreement.
I got this first-person account of it after we drove away. It will be an issue for attorneys and courts and blah blah blah par for the course bullshit. But I believe my daughter and son unconditionally. This is big enough that they would not lie about it. I know my kids, and it happened, and will be dealt with.
Here is the part that ties in the whole "fix it" part though. Yesterday at visitation, my daughter's father suggested that his wife be given a "Fix It" ticket for her bad words and out burst. BWAHAHAHA!!! I just about peed my pants laughing at that. A fix it ticket? To a 51 year old woman with a history of emotionally unstable angry outbursts? To an emotionally immature man who, through his lack of response, actually allowed my daughter to be verbally abused, even more so that he participated as a bully's henchman? That is some funny shit.
Yep, even my kids could spot the bullshit flaw in that thought. That was when I knew that not only would the "Fix It" at school work, but that the life lesson had transferred: 1) Authority figures (cops, teachers, and in this case, parents) have an obligation to point out and correct undesirable behavior. 2) The person who was the target of the unwanted behavior (say, the kid who picks his nose and then wipes it on his desk, or the 10 year old who rolled her eyes) does not have to do anything to both warrant the protection of the authorities, nor have to face the attackers. 3) Fixing it means changing yourself, not them (or replacing your light bulb, not yelling at the cop).
My kids got it. Issuing their dad's wife a fix-it ticket would not do one damn thing to change anything. It might make it worse because it would imply that it was the first time and could be corrected. We all knew that wasn't the case and that, if by the age of 51, you had not figured out how to control your temper and not use ugly words, you really were beyond the "Fix It" ticket stage. It did, however, help my kids to understand that they could change their behavior. It might get them in some trouble with their dad when they truly start to ignore his wife, but that life lesson will just have to be okay, too.
I wonder if I will be offered a fix-it when this blog is read, again implying that something should be done to change it. I don't think so, but I will laugh really hard if it is suggested. I also have a roll of red duct tape you can borrow for that tail light.
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