Last week my daughter got a "Fix It" ticket at school. And while I could write a whole bunch about my reaction to the ticket, and how much of it had related to things that had already been "fixed", I really want to talk about how this got blown out of proportion in the days that followed,and how some people in my life (and hers) just didn't get it.
To give you a frame of reference, a "Fix It" ticket at school is a lot like the kind you get for your car. A person in authority (a cop or a teacher) stops you when they notice something that needs to change. If it was a busted taillight, or a cracked windshield, an officer could give you a fix-it and let you know the "penalty" to make it all good again. I am all for this in society, when often the thing that need fixing is just because you were lazy, possibly didn't know, or otherwise just needed a point in the right direction to be in compliance. All in all, the fix-it will ultimately get you in compliance and no-harm, no-foul. Mess up a second time, and the fix-it is a kind of proof that you had a chance and chose not to take it. Sorta like the DMV database.
For the school, it kinda works the same way. The school tries to give you the chance to change the action or behavior if it is a "first-time" offense. Maybe a kid just didn't know they were hurting another kid's feelings, or that dirty Kleenexes belong in the trash. Whatever it was, the kid is getting the chance to make it better and do the right thing. I say awesome to that. If it works, and you don't have to constantly punish or remind, all the better. Blow it by doing it again, and there is no excuses.
But I digress.
On Sunday, a couple days after the fix-it was given to my daughter, an argument that a child should never have to endure happened. Granted, I was not actually in the argument, I just felt the sting of it as my daughter came out of her father's house, barefoot and crying, and not able to function. My son, the calm one of the two this time, explained that he had just needed to stand up for his sister because the woman my children's father is married to had just verbally slammed my daughter. Actually what he said to my query of "What happened?" was " (insert psychopath name here) happened!"
My daughter (age 10)had just been called a bitch by her father's wife (age 51), and then heard the same person yell at her "You are going to grow up to be a bitch just like your Mom!". She had to further endure her dad not only saying nothing, but nodding in agreement.
I got this first-person account of it after we drove away. It will be an issue for attorneys and courts and blah blah blah par for the course bullshit. But I believe my daughter and son unconditionally. This is big enough that they would not lie about it. I know my kids, and it happened, and will be dealt with.
Here is the part that ties in the whole "fix it" part though. Yesterday at visitation, my daughter's father suggested that his wife be given a "Fix It" ticket for her bad words and out burst. BWAHAHAHA!!! I just about peed my pants laughing at that. A fix it ticket? To a 51 year old woman with a history of emotionally unstable angry outbursts? To an emotionally immature man who, through his lack of response, actually allowed my daughter to be verbally abused, even more so that he participated as a bully's henchman? That is some funny shit.
Yep, even my kids could spot the bullshit flaw in that thought. That was when I knew that not only would the "Fix It" at school work, but that the life lesson had transferred: 1) Authority figures (cops, teachers, and in this case, parents) have an obligation to point out and correct undesirable behavior. 2) The person who was the target of the unwanted behavior (say, the kid who picks his nose and then wipes it on his desk, or the 10 year old who rolled her eyes) does not have to do anything to both warrant the protection of the authorities, nor have to face the attackers. 3) Fixing it means changing yourself, not them (or replacing your light bulb, not yelling at the cop).
My kids got it. Issuing their dad's wife a fix-it ticket would not do one damn thing to change anything. It might make it worse because it would imply that it was the first time and could be corrected. We all knew that wasn't the case and that, if by the age of 51, you had not figured out how to control your temper and not use ugly words, you really were beyond the "Fix It" ticket stage. It did, however, help my kids to understand that they could change their behavior. It might get them in some trouble with their dad when they truly start to ignore his wife, but that life lesson will just have to be okay, too.
I wonder if I will be offered a fix-it when this blog is read, again implying that something should be done to change it. I don't think so, but I will laugh really hard if it is suggested. I also have a roll of red duct tape you can borrow for that tail light.
