An open Letter to my children's father:
You have asked me to respond about Parenting Coordinators. Here goes.
In 2009 we went to Tier I mediation. You rescinded our Parenting Plan.
In 2009 we went to Tier II mediation. We came up with an agreement. It went fine.
In late 2009 we went again to Tier II mediation. We came up with a plan. You did not follow it, and then got mad at me because I did.
In 2010 we went again to Tier II mediation. Some things in it were just not right. This time since it was our last time allowed before another court date, I hired an attorney.
In 2010 we went to court and were ordered into Co-parent Counseling along with an Assessor. We did the assessment, came up with agreements, and began orders. We also talked to a co-parent counselor who gave up because we couldn’t even agree on a date, much less what to talk about. I followed the orders. You didn’t. You repeatedly changed the time and place for exchanges, including having the exchange at a pullout on the side of the freeway. You started the kids at a new church that I don’t agree with. You listed your then girlfriend as my children’s mother, and lied to the school about orders. You repeatedly asked me to change the orders and then got mad when I followed them, asking each time that you go back to co-parent counseling with me so we can start talking.
In 2011 we followed the orders until you decided that it wasn’t good enough and wanted more changes. You still refused to go to co-parent counseling, and even got to the point where you called it LAME. Your now-wife verbally abused me and you did nothing. Your now-wife sent me nasty messages and you did nothing. I asked again, to go to co-parent counseling, and got no response except to say you wanted “family” counseling to include a people who have nothing to do with our parenting, and even then you made no suggestions or recommendations.
In 2012 you took me back to court and got us back into assessment that got you, what? An additional 2 hours every other Friday and 45 minutes every other Sunday. So far three judges, two mediators, an assessor on two different occasions, a co-parent counselor, the children’s counselor, two attorneys and both of us have agreed that co-parent counseling would be of benefit to us, and still you refuse.
So what happened? I decided to stop co-parenting and start parallel parenting with you. I follow the orders to the letter and have had no problems with the time share at all. I just do it, and help the kids do it as well. I inform you of things that are happening, and then send zero reminders or coordination beyond that. I tell you when they are going to the counseling appointments, and then I take them. I don’t care one way or the other any more if you show up. I make plans with the kids to do whatever we want, and don’t ask your permission. I talk with the kids about what they can do to make their lives with you enjoyable because they are the ones who have to have a relationship with you, I don’t. They have asked you to have family meetings. You refused while I supported them. Our son asked to play baseball. When you refused, I took him anyway and let him know that your participation would be your choice and he would have to work it out with you. When our daughter asked to stop playing piano I told her I didn’t have a problem with her stopping but that she would have to take it up with you. She did and she also took it up with both her grandmother and her piano teacher. I am very proud of her for that. And still you refused Both have told you they don’t want to go to the church you take them to, and you refuse to listen. I stay out of it. I don't need to say a word. You are burying yourself and losing their respect. I somehow think that doesn't really matter to you.
There are lots of things that I simply don’t like about how you parent. I don’t like that our son has to sleep in a pantry without ventilation. I don’t like that they both have access to violent video games and are allowed to watch violent movies. I don’t like that there is no set bedtime for them. I don’t like the church you take them to . I don’t like that you still have a renter in the house after agreeing to have the renter out in 2010. I don’t like that our daughter comes home with sand flea bites from the house every weekend she is there. I don’t like that you don’t even pay attention to her need to sleep somewhere quiet and has to try to sleep in a very noisy house. I don’t like that they have to wait for breakfast on the mornings that they are there because someone else is sleeping. I don’t like that the kids report that you spend all your time on the computer when you have visitation and that you are annoyed when they try to get your attention. I don’t like that you have no idea what our daughter’s favorite color is, or what our son likes to draw. I don’t like that the kids are pulling away from you because they realize you don’t actually know anything about them and don’t care, and worse, that you don’t even see it happening. Our son, our daughter, and I have just learned to suck it up, ignore what we can, and blow off the rest to “that is just the way dad is. Sucks, eh?” and live our lives without your input, since honestly, we are doing completely great without it. I live with it because they love you. I live with it because I love them.
All this though, is nothing that can be litigated. I can’t make you be a good dad. So instead, I am just a good mom that reminds the kids that you are the only dad have, and they each are the ones that have to decide what kind of relationship they want with you. I will only support their choices.
So back to coordinators. I don’t want to see one because it won’t make one bit of difference in how I parent. And since you won’t talk to me, your opinion is moot. If at some point you want to grow up and actually be a father to your children, then feel free to talk to me, find someone for us both to talk to cooperatively, or man up and just do what’s right. Until then nothing else will matter and I will just love on our children and guide them the way I choose, until they make the decisions for themselves. And that is happening faster than realize.
All this time you talk the talk, and still can't seem to make it a reality for yourself. All the people you have dragged into our lives have not made any difference. Adding one more, well, that is your choice. Have fun with wasting even more time you could spend just getting to know our kids. They are awesome and you are missing out with all these professionals you want to make your choices for you. Too bad. The kids and I are fine.
And I am patient, I can wait.
So thank you. All my love for the amazing children I have in my life. I am sorry you don't get it.
Elise,
You children's mother, now and always
