This morning, after waking up without a hangover (thank god, and damn the wine was delicious), and deleting the drunk FB posts (also, thank god) I read a post by a friend to my own post. I had simply said “delete…” to which the reply was “+ctrl+alt= new start”.
So it made me think about new starts and what is required to make them. Could it be as simple as hitting three buttons at the same time, getting the desired result? Ctrl+Alt+Del. My next mantra.
Last night, in the midst of large amounts of wine, I had a conversation with a man, that until last night, I had been lusting for off and on for a few years. Also, in the midst of large amounts of wine, this same man talked about himself, his previous “relationships” (read that as paid escorts), his current obsession, his neglect of his daughter, and his wife. Yes, a wife, a girlfriend, a daughter from one of the “relationships”, and an empty bank account.
In the midst of the conversation (with large amounts of wine) I suddenly was no longer attracted to him. He had crossed over, in my head, from someone worthy of my interest, to a creep. The more he whined about how his daughter’s mother just wanted money from him, how his wife wouldn't let him get out of his husbandly duties (read that as they still fuck), and how the woman he is currently “in love with” (read that as wishing he was fucking) is using him for money like a whore and would not let him kiss her, I started laughing. I had been drinking (large amounts of wine in case you missed that before) and all of a sudden this man was ridiculous. Not just as a guy I lust(ed) after, but as a man in general. He was pathetic and pussy whipped and neglectful. He was digging himself into a shit hole and was trying to find a companion to join him down there. Last night (in the midst of large amounts of wine) that someone was supposed to be me.
But that is not what this post is about.
This is about how this morning I get to remember that conversation, and it gets to be like the three buttons on the computer. CONTROL: Yep, I had stayed in control (despite the soft lips and the large amounts of wine), ALT (as in alternative) I gave myself the alt of being fine with him leaving, and me going to my (very pretty clean sheets) bed alone, and the DEL (delete) of a mental block that large amounts of wine usually makes for me seeing men (read that as the guy in my house with the soft lips) as something I require.
So the combo of CTRL+ALT+DEL really meaning a new start struck me as profound. I get to control who I pick. I get to come up with the alternative. I get to delete the old tapes and expectations, and more importantly the need to please someone (everyone?) when I feel like their hardships are so much worse than mine. Yeah, this morning, fuck that. It is how I am doing fine, and that I don’t just want the next thing or relationship in my life to be the same as the others. Men who (with the help of large amounts of wine) feel fine about cheating on their wives can just get Ctrl+Alt+Del-ed. Men who (with the help of large amounts of wine) decide that their children are expendable can also just get Ctrl+Alt+Del-ed. Men who (with large amounts of wine) use sex as a way to control and then get offended by women who do the same, calling them whores, well, they get Ctrl+Alt+Del-ed too.
Me? Well, I get to Ctrl+Alt+Del my evening by having a morning of writing, and drinking coffee, and being just fine with it. New Starts all the time. How luck to have found those reset buttons work on me, too.
