I think I did it again.
I have been letting my heart lead, openly, and without any
walls for a while now. Like maybe 4 or 5
months. In the reality that is my world,
4 or 5 months in NOT a long time. I have
been alive for almost 49 years. I have
children who are 11 and 13 years, respectively.
I was married once for almost 7 years.
I was *married* (not legally, but same difference) once for over 10
years. I have been split form that same
non-husband for over 5 years, the same amount of time I have been dealing with
courts, and dating bullshit, and figuring out depression and dependency. So you would think that maybe I would know
that things in my world need time, and space, and patience, and that maybe,
just maybe, I am moving in my head and heart too fast. 5 months?
Yeah, that is just a tiny sliver of time. Patience.
I went to lunch yesterday with a woman who has been in the
*shoes* of my world in the most literal sense.
She was involved for years in the same relationship we both left, just a
decade difference. She understands,
completely, that there are things inside that relationship and that person that
we loved, and still find attractive. Not
the person. He is toxic. But the
attraction to who and what each of us believed him to be as we saw him. It was, in both of our opinions, something
worth having in new people, because the good qualities really were attractive,
even if the person wasn’t. I don’t want to lose that piece of knowledge.
So I find myself thinking a lot about what I find attractive,
what I know is good for me, and how to be vulnerable enough without losing
myself in the process. Please note, I am
talking specifically about men here. Men
I want in partnership in my world. I
have an amazing troupe of people, women and men both, that are friends. I have a really solid core group of people
who I know I share emotional intimacy with, even on a deep deep level. The part
that I have been vulnerable and open to is the desire to share all of that with
a man I can also be physical with, enjoy his bed and body, and know that when I
am not at my best (stupid, fat, and ugly, and, more recently, deeply lonely and
missing being touched) he can be my soft place to land.
When I say I miss being touched, I probably should
explain. Sex with my exes never was an “issue”.
We had lots of it. Daily for both of my marriages. I have written about this before, so if you
have read it, you will understand that. This
has almost nothing to do with being touched.
I want to be held. I want to be
kissed in a way that is both desire and comfort. I want to have my hand held,
and my tears wiped, and feel safe and
warm and loved, even as I am falling apart.
I want to not be judged for it when I feel needy. And by judged, I totally mean that inside my
head. My worthiness in someone else’s
eyes. I am good enough to be fucked, not
good enough to be loved or touched in a way that belongs to me. I want to be told, in all the ways available
through words and actions and touch, that I am important. (Fucked up much?) How
does it feel to want?
I am sure this is part of my current spin. The timing of everything feels so good when I
stay in the present. I am not jealous or
clingy. I am not in a hurry, or planning
my future. I am reveling in happiness
and only making plans that enhance that.
I have actually gotten really good at that in the last few years (see,
measurement in years again, damn) and even my children know that I am always present,
with them as things emerge and evolve.
So why the doubt? I
am important in a lot of different ways to a lot of different people. I am the stable and resilient rock for my
children. Anyone who has ever met them
will tell you that I rock that shit, and my kids are amazing little monsters growing
into amazing people. I can model for
them and provide for them the strength I cannot seem to find in myself. I am a confident and competent employee. I know my job, can facilitate growth in
others, and accept responsibility by figuring out what needs to be done, and just
doing it. I am sure my employer
recognizes this, though they don’t pay me enough to justify some of the work they
assign me. I am just that good at
it. I am a pretty good friend, all in
all, though I hope to continue to grow and learn. People before things, and I always strive to
understand and participate, and love with an open mind and heart. I can honestly say that the mistakes I make
are never ones of intentional neglect, so I ask forgiveness if you are reading
this and think I have injured you through my own selfishness. I am just an idiot sometimes, with a way of
saying shit without a filter. So again,
why the doubt, when I am really, truly, fucking awesome!
Because every single time I “knew” that the man in my life
was exactly where I should be, happy, I was blindsided by an absolute
stop. A boyfriend of almost two years,
that I had spent the day with in absolute bliss, who left in the middle of the
night. A husband I made love to in the
morning, and taught how to give me the shots for the fertility meds we were
using to try to have a baby, who asked for a divorce the same day because he
just found out his mistress was pregnant.
The father of my children, and a decade long relationship, on a date to
talk about love and the future and holding each other as the best part in each
other’s lives (my agenda for the evening, clearly, being in love and all, even
after a decade), who told me he had no issues with getting married, he just did
not want to marry me.
So back to the attraction part. Every one of those relationships had
something in common. I wanted them. I was attracted to all the same things. Stability, focus, honesty. They each had some
quiet places that felt contemplative, some energy that felt exciting and fresh
(yes, even after years), and some potential and openness to growth and
understanding whether they were actually working on it or not (and usually not,
but that is a different blog). This is about
me. My wants and desires in the face of
extreme self-doubt. I have decided not
to beat myself up for wanting this, for wanting a partner that not only has all
the things that I am attracted to, but a complete openness and
willingness/desire to share that with ME. Again, this is where I freak
out.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to be NOT vulnerable? Not open?
Not willing? Shouldn’t I just tell the
man (that I am attracted to for all the right reasons) and that I have been
doing this new found patience and openness with that “Hey, yeah, everything is
going just fine, but that means it is all gonna hit rock bottom any day now, so
I am just gonna check out now, ‘kay?” because I have zero experience with it
working. I might as well just shut off
now because any minute he is going to figure out I am actually a basketcase and
run screaming. Or worse (as has been the
case before) is just going to be done in a way that I won’t see coming. The one that says I am not enough and proves
it with vacancy. Self-fulfilling prophecy
I don’t know how to control. And I am
scared. Not scared of him. He is great in ways he does not even realize
and that I have no word for (and I always have words). But scared that in the
process of feeling all of this I am going to go missing. Scared that I will crawl back into feeling
nothing because all the other emotions are so strong, so powerful, and (fuck)
so new. Just 4 or 5 months. Nothing at all. I am hoping for years to feel it, without
shutting down, because I let myself be here this time, eyes wide open.
So (friends, lovers, family) please be patient with me as I
do this again, but differently, and with more love. And kind.
And honest. And let me be a wreck knowing that it is my wreck. If I shut off, come after me, because
honestly, I am totally worth it. Right now, present, I am totally worth it.
