I haven’t written a blog since July of 2015. Yep, six months ago.
At my last posting I had just had my heart stomped at the
end of a 9 month affair with someone that was not really every right for me,
but who I loved just the same. I don’t
miss him, not really, at least not the actual him, but more what I loved about
being inside of an “us”. I realize I
like the idea of being married or partnered, if not the actuality of being
married, and want the stuff that goes with the partnership (and not just the
sex, though…).
I got to have what I call a “husband” moment a few times
recently. By “husband” I mean that a
man helped me with something man-like, and did it because I asked. It was not that I could not have done
it. I could have. I am actually really good at lots and lots
of stuff that is traditionally male, and so are my girlfriends (we actually
excel at this as a group, so this is not a feminist issue at all). But there really is something kinda great
about having a man in your life, outside of the bedroom, to just do stuff.
My daughter is working on a project that needs
construction. This involves power
tools. I own power tools. I have a miter saw, a tile saw, a sander, a
skil saw, a router and router table, and a wood lathe. What she needed was a jigsaw. I do not own a jigsaw. So I asked a friend if he had one. He did. He came over, brought his jigsaw and
pack of saw blades, and cut the item she needed cut. Could I have done it? Absolutely! Could I have just gone to the
hardware store and purchased myself another power tool? You bet! The fact that
he showed up, did it with me, and that we talked and laughed and worked as a
team just because I asked is was what made it a husband moment. I love him for it.
I have a queen-sized bed.
Well, really, I have a queen sized box spring and mattress on one of
those metal Hollywood frames. The frame
is up on cinderblocks for the footing because I wanted the bed a little
higher. This, however, makes the
mattress harder to turn and move, and the frame squeaks. I needed to turn the
mattress, and tighten the screws. So I
asked a friend to help me. He did. We
moved the mattress, he moved the box spring, and with tools he carries in his
car (people do this? Oh wait, um, men do this), he adjusted the frame, added a
stabilizer, put felt pads on the bottom of the cinderblocks, and helped put the
bed back together. Could I have moved
the bed? Yep, too easy. Could I have
found tools in my garage to tighten everything and add a bracket? Sure, no
problem! The fact that he showed up, did it with me, and that we talked and
laughed and worked as a team is what made it a husband moment. And I love him for it.
A couple weeks ago, my son finally had the beginning of what
I hope is his light bulb moment. He has
been struggling for a while with puberty, loss, existential thoughts of his
place in the world, and boredom. I am
his mom, and though I get it that he is changing, I am still female, and even
with a wonderful tribe of strong women, our estrogen is not really going to
meet his testosterone needs. I needed a male just to talk to him, figure out
what is going on, and try to explain it to me so I can participate. So, I asked for help. And set up a Skype
call to one of my best friends, a guy who understands my language, and could
translate my son’s language for me. After
the video call, I got the debrief and heard, from a male point of view, what my
son is saying and doing. Could I have
been there for my son for all the things listed? Of course, and I am, and
always have been. Could I have found a
way to talk to my son the same way? Maybe. But my friend is male and that was
the part that made the difference. The
fact that he showed up, did it with me, and that we talked and laughed and worked
as a team is what made it a husband moment.
And I love him for it.
So, how does this translate in to my real world, and my
desires? I know that it means I know
that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and my kids. I think it
also means that I can recognize in myself that just because I am strong and
able, doesn’t mean I can accept assistance.
I think it also means that I absolutely appreciate the things that only
men in my life provide. No, I am not
changing my absolute knowledge that women are amazing and worthy and really do
run the world with their energy and abilities and skills. I know that, deep down, I have zero issues
in getting things done when they need to be done.
There is not neediness in the statement that I like the partnership
that men provide me. I love men. I’d love to have one (even any of the ones
listed above) in my life in a partnership beyond what they already
provide. I can see it, without any of
the requirements to doing it in any traditional fashion, or even any of the
moves to make it happen. None of it is
so pressing that I am worried about it, but it did make me realize that I like
it. I mean like in a way that makes me
open to having partnership in a real way.
For the first time in a while (could it be six months?) this feels like
an okay thing. It might just be happiness talking, or maybe just being more
comfortable in my own skin to ask for help, but I like it.
If nothing else, it got me to write a blog.
