I hope the decisions I am making stick.
That sounds like I could be flaky. Maybe, but only to myself really. I can’t tell you how many “eat healthy” plans
I have started, how many resolutions I have made to exercise, how many times I
have made plans to clean, purge, organize, only to feel like a failure when not
one, but all of them have fallen apart. I have not finished (or even worked on)
the novel. I have not bagged up all
those clothes that I hate (they are still on my closet/bedroom floor). I have not cleaned my garage, or my
Tupperware cabinet, or my bathroom cabinet (or floor, really). I own a really
good set of hand weights and a treadmill.
I try to dust them periodically.
I think I still own a bike.
Somewhere. Maybe.
But that is such a different thing than what I do for
people. Everyone except me, it seems.
I make it to work every day.
I make sure my children have underwear and lunch. I have gone on field trips, and baked
cookies, and been the taxi for a lot of events. I visit friends who are only in
town for the day, or travel to them when they are “close”, having come in from
another state or country and really, California is not *that* big, right? I
make phone calls to meet time zone requirements, even at the price of
sleep. I listen to heartaches and joys,
sometimes when the space between us makes me ache to touch them. Truly. I love doing it. My children, my family, my friends. Connection.
People are the reason I breathe.
So why is this the wrong thing to do inside of potentially
romantic relationships? Or actual romantic relationships? Or just dating? Or
sex hookups? Why is the connection not
allowed? They are people, right? These
men I invite into my head and heart and bed, they *are* actually people, right?
But that doesn’t seem to be the case.
I get really excited meeting new men. Very much actually. I figure I have weeded through 10 gazillion
profiles, of men who are cheating on their wives (please don’t tell them), who
are bi and just want a chick to hang out and watch them while they take it from
the guy (maybe my boyfriend, you know, if I could just arrange that for
him), who are only looking for
FWB-hookup-bootie-call-wanna-do-it-in-the-park-car-rent-by-the-hour-motel-could-you-pay-cuz-I-am-behind-on-my-child-support.
So if I got past all that, to an actual date, I have to be both insane, and
stupidly hopeful. And one date is
great. Two dates is better. Talking on the phone, texting to say hi, laughing
as we get to know each other is perfect.
But maybe not.
Because I have got to date three or four a few times. I have been hopeful that the guy meant the
texts and comments that said they were enjoying themselves, and please could we
see each other again. I have for sure
kissed them. I probably had sex with
them. I have probably contemplated how
to have a date that includes my friends (vetting, it is a real thing), and I
have probably shared some of my disasters.
We will have laughed, because we are all just people, and people are
more than likely similar, and have the same stories in different packages.
So when did it become a terrible thing that I actually WANT
to be in contact with someone I am getting to know? No, I did not invite you to move into my
house. No, I did not ask you to let me
move in to yours. No, I did not ask you
to come to my daughter’s debate team luncheon (I barely want to go to these
events, I would not torture you with it), or be an umpire at my son’s baseball
game, or help me sort books at the Friends of the Library sale. I didn’t ask you to pay my taxes, or drive
three hours for a lunch date, or meet my brother, or even ask you to stop
dating other people (yet. We haven’t had
that conversation.) I didn’t ask you to
get a tattoo of our anniversary date, or buy me a ring, or get on one
knee. What I asked for was to say Good
Morning back when I texted, maybe just once every couple days. I asked you to actually call when you said
you would. Like at 9 or so, after the game is over, and the kids are in bed,
and you are not too drunk to hit redial. I asked you to plan a date you said
you wanted when you left on Sunday morning, sometime before I accept another
one with someone else because you didn’t make plans.
I am not clingy or needy or bitchy because I want you to be
interested, too. Get to know me, too. Is
it too much to expect you to find out a little bit about why I told you I like
the new Maroon 5 CD, or why I am pouring a glass of the new Napa Valley
Riesling, or if you had ever seen a particular movie, or if after telling me
you were gone hiking without cell coverage on Friday, though the weekend, that
you say you made it safely out on maybe Monday or Tuesday? I am not trying to take over your world. I am trying to share mine by whatever means
we have available to each other in the limited amount of time and space in our
very very busy universes.
That said, the fact that you are not coming through says
something. Maybe it is me.
Am I just flaky, or are you expecting me to be because of
what society has said to you about the nature of commitment? Should I be a FWB,
GGG, DTF, BDSM, 420, BBW, DDF, and HUR? Is that what I need to be to get your
attention? How about instead of all that,
I just be myself?
So this goes back to my original line about hoping my decisions
stick. I have made some of the decisions
about relationships, and weight, and exercise, and cleaning before. Resolutions, promises, plans, blah blah blah. What I think has been missing is a really
true loving kindness to myself. I am
kind to others, why not to myself? Why do I need to be sexy, thin, seductive,
demure, readily available yet distant and uninterested, a mom, a cheerleader, super
forgiving, never angry, AND have a clean house, no baggage, and the self-esteem
of a mosquito to meet another person’s requirement? And more importantly, do I HAVE TO keep
beating myself up about it because I am not perfect? Of course you didn’t call back, because I
know all my flaws and I could not possibly live up to being normal, much less
fantasy, material, right? I know it,
because kindness and forgiveness to myself is not really possible in this body,
in this house, in this history. I don’t
deserve you.
So the decision is to not feel that way with
EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON I meet. It is about finding value in exactly who I am and
in the amazing things I offer. While at the same time being kind and willing to
see my flaws, embrace them and change the ones I can, without judgement. I
seriously wonder what that is gonna look like in practice. Maybe like a clean kitchen.
*She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.* ~~Proverbs 31:26
