I have some amazing friends in my life. I cannot deny how grateful I am for them,
daily, for love and support. They constantly
challenge my beliefs about myself, and, when necessary, make me think about it
when words won’t come. At least not
words that make any sense while I am saying them for sure. I am a pretty articulate woman, so when those
times happen (and they are not explained away by the half a bottle of wine
sitting on the counter), I have to go back and figure out why I could not
explain what I really meant. Did I
actually mean it at all?
This happened the other night while talking to a friend.
Granted, I had been drinking wine earlier in the evening, but I drove myself
home, and hadn’t had any more. So when
he and I were talking, and the topic of relationships came up, of course,
vulnerability was part of the conversation.
Vulnerable is one of those things we all have to be,
while also being strong and in control.
It is the process of trusting someone else to not fuck you over if you
share a part of yourself.
So the conversation went something like this:
“What keeps you from being vulnerable?”
“Fear.”
“Fear of what?”
“The unknown.”
(Yeah, he and I
probably need to get past some of our one-word responses. It is a process. We will work on it.)
This is what had me inarticulate.
Sure, we all have fears.
I am not a really big fan of snakes, or being in really really enclosed
spaces (that might have snakes). But the
unknown? I am not so sure.
So I thought about it.
Like, a lot. And what came out of
it (besides this blog) is that no, I am not fearful of the unknown. I am completely and totally afraid of the
known. Not all the known. Just the painful known. Of the known, happening again.
Imagine this scenario (because we are talking about vulnerability
in relationships, right?). You are on a
date. Maybe you have been on a few
already, and getting to know this person is going well enough. And then something is said. Maybe it is something about a childhood
trauma. Maybe it is something about the
way a former relationship ended. Maybe it
is a comment about weight or exercise, or parenting. Maybe it is about alcohol. Or drugs.
Whatever it is, all
of a sudden, in my head, I know everything about this. I have done all this. Don’t like museums? Yeah, one of my exes didn’t either. Don’t have the patience for children being
sick? Yep, a guy I dated before didn’t
either. Been in rehab, had a “fat” wife,
won’t get on an airplane, passed out at a cousin’s wedding, can’t read a novel,
allergic to chocolate, hate cats?
I get lost in all this noise. I hear all the things I already know spinning
in my head. I write the story before you
tell it. Have the questions and the
solutions to any problem you have, and you don’t even need to ask me about
it. I got this. I know what is going to happen next. I have already been there. In the cases of things I have no desire to
repeat, the big red flag I threw for you without you even knowing it has just
made me shut down. Vulnerable? Oh hell
no. That giant pile of rocks you see in
front of you? Yeah, that is the scrap
left over from the monstrous wall I just built.
You are not getting in, because I know how this ends.
So this makes the unknown my friend, right? What is so scary about having something brand
new?
The known, for some, is a comfortable place to be. It feels warm, and homey. Settle in right
now, and don’t worry about the shit in the corner. I don’t like that place (read some of my other
blog posts if you need specifics). The place
most people feel comfortable, for me is lonely.
I know it too well. I have lived
in it too long. It is not an old pair of
jeans that fit all the curves, that you love.
It is pair of shoes with holes that keep getting pebbles. I can throw the pebbles away, but the pain
from having to do it over and over is old. I don’t want those blisters
anymore. I think I may have already run
out of Band-Aids.
So, back to the gratitude I feel for friends. They are showing me a new way. Challenging me to think about it in a way I
haven’t before. The unknown. It is actually a good place to be. I am not fearful of that. Creating a new world, one small blog post at a
time.
