I have come to the conclusion that there might be a chance
that I am a terrible romantic partner. Like truly sucky. Totally fucking clueless.
Let me back up a bit and tell you where this is coming from.
I love men.
Truly. Men are amazing. They offer things that women just
can’t. It is not sexist, or bashing in
any way a woman’s abilities (women are more badass than most give us credit
for) but men offer me a point of view about myself that I crave. Is it lust, or fierceness, or certainty? I
don’t know.
Don’t get me wrong, I know where my boundaries are with most
men. Married men are off limits,
though, honestly, I have seriously sexy married male friends. The fact that they are in loving, monogamous
relationships is probably one of the things I like about them most, and I would
be stupid not to notice it. It is
hopeful that maybe, just maybe, one of those kind of men will show up and be
like that with me. It is not really
that hard to imagine, because, contrary to the way I behave with some men, I am
never ever stupid with my married male friends. I respect them and their wife/lover/partner too much. It is not an issue.
I also know what men are not right for me (or me for them,
for that matter) for a variety of other reasons. Gay, living in another country, in prison, underage, the maturity
of someone underage, really long nose hair, drives an H2 for all the
compensating reasons, hates their own children and has never paid child
support, or votes based on Fox News endorsements all come quickly to mind. I know better (you would think so, at least)
that I would be able to clearly differentiate the “yes” and “no” list by now.
But maybe not.
I have, with the help of a very good friend, been exploring
a concept I call “cupcaking”. It is the
thought that, inside of relationships, you give in completely to the other
person’s desires, and even, if not intentionally, CHANGE who you are to meet
their needs. In the clinical diagnostic
sense, this looks a lot like codependency. But being a cupcake can be deeper
than that. It is deeper because it is
not always to the knowledge or desires of the person who is the cupcake, and it
is not always bad.
For me, it happens almost exclusively inside of
relationships where there is a romantic component. I give too fast. I give
what they ask for. I do not hold them
accountable for bad behavior. I let them dictate how and when we see each
other. I ask for almost nothing in
return. I play the victim, I act
perfect, I profess love and devotion, I spin perfect scenarios of community and
connection. Fuck, I must be
exhausting. Who the fuck wants
that? I mean, I am a cupcake. I am pretty for a while, sweet as sugar,
devoured in a temporary bit of normal human desire, and then easily licked or
washed off as if I didn’t exist to begin with.
There are always more cupcakes, so what makes me special? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
That is why I suck at romantic relationships. I pick men who know this and will use
it. I am drawn to the devourers. To the hot heads who confuse anger with
intensity. The ones who say they want
something, ask for it even, but given the actual chance to prove it, will brush
it off. Not their fault, I picked them. I know there are amazing men out there, and
that boundaries for interaction are good (see a few paragraphs above for the
things I know my place about), I just have no success at doing this when it
comes to romance.
And I want it. I
want the men who are single, sexy as fuck, driven, passionate, honest, caring,
focused, determined, trustworthy, to see in me what I see in them, and help me
by not being an asshole in the process while we get to know each other, and
accept each other because of and despite the flaws we both know are there. Until then, I will probably continue to be
fucking clueless.
I plan to explore my cupcake tendencies further. See how many ways there are to cupcake
relationships that I have been guilty of.
Try to work my way out of them, and ask for people (read that as both
friends and men) to go ahead and hit me upside the head with a 2 x 4 when they
see me doing it.
Today, I am going to go get my toenails all done
instead. I hope there is a cupcake
bakery near the salon.
