I have had a lot of folks around me in the last several
weeks talking about their current relationships.
Some of the relationships are ending. Some are leaving marriages (or have been
left). Some are dumping boyfriends or girlfriends. Some are even mutually agreeing to go their separate
ways. These always have reasons. Reasons for some of them seem obscure and out
of left field, and I am sad to see these end because in the
world-that-I-spin-in-my-head these are the relationships I had pinned my hopes
to, the ones that offered the best glimpse of connections that are
working. I feel shocked when I hear the
stories, always from the side of the person I am closest to at the time of the
split, because who are we kidding, none of us are really gracious enough to
stay truly neutral to friends who were “couple friends” once they aren’t a
couple any more. I can say, at least for
myself, that I have very few couple friends even among the friends who are
still in relationships. I wonder if they
ever really were “couples”, and that was how I always saw them, or if I really
ever only wanted to be friends with one of the two, and the other person was
just part of the package deal. A two-fer that I didn’t mind, but would not have
picked. So hearing that person’s side sorta divides the camp anyway, but there
is still a person missing at the end. I
wonder who I miss.
And there is always some terrible story. Dishonesty in heart and body; addiction and
selfish behavior; finances lost; lack of sex and affection; complete and total
loss of love. It breaks my heart. I so want them to work, right up until I
don’t, and then I have an opinion and can’t go back even if I wanted to. I get it that I will support the friend that
is left, and help them through whatever emotional disconnect they reign upon
themselves, even if they are (in my opinion) stupid for trying to get back
together. I mean, didn’t I just hear
their entire story of adultery and betrayal.
Didn’t I just hear about the gambling, and the drinking, and the never
bathing, and how he or she wouldn’t change a diaper, but had no problems
hoarding the remote? Wasn’t I supposed
to form an opinion?
But those who eventually recognize all the misery they are
leaving, even if it was by mutual decision, are not the ones who worry me. They will be fine. They found love, found their limits, let love
go, and moved on. There is an adjustment
time, depending on the severity and reasons for the split, but eventually, they
do okay. Time will heal them, and, given
the right amount of friends who landed on their side of the line and a good
vintage on a few bottles of wine, they won’t regret it.
The ones I worry about are the ones who jump out of one
relationship they have labeled as “bad” back into another one. It is my friends who have just been cheated
on and so the relationship ended, who started dating someone who is still
married. It is my friends who left a
relationship because there was never any money who hook up with someone who is
unemployed. It is my friends who have
been fighting with their children’s other parent about lack of child support
coming on time and missed visitation who get involved with someone who hasn’t
seen their own child in months, and can’t remember the last time they wrote a
check or called on a birthday. I want to shake them and yell “What the fuck are
you doing?” What makes that guy who is
still married and cheating so great? Why
is the chick who ran up $70,000 in credit card debt and asks you for grocery
and cigarette money so hot? Since when
is the dude with his drug dealer on speed dial and a history of having domestic
calls to his apartment all that?
Misunderstood? Doing his best? Really a great guy? Emotionally mature
but just fearful of commitment? Who are
these losers, and why are you even speaking to them?
Maybe my friends are just living the life I would live too
if my head was wrapped a different way.
I used to think I needed to have someone (anyone?) in my life who would
have me just to keep from feeling alone, being alone. Yes, it is crazy making to be raising two
kids on my own, and a little adult help would be awesome. Yes, an adult beverage in the form of happy
hour after work with someone of equal desire for a laughs would be so
welcome. Yes, sex on a regular basis
with someone who has a toothbrush in the cupholder on the sink would be great.
But what of myself do I have to give up (again?) this time to have that?
I have been legit single from my marriage for about 6
years. I have been single from a
boyfriend of 9 months for about a year.
I have dated several people for a couple months at a time, and also not
dated at all. I have had both the excitement
and tingliness of new people, and the boredom of it when they are not the right
one and I stay anyway. I have both
turned into a mushy little cupcake of wanting to please the person by becoming
what they want most (I am actually really good at being a codependent little
flake), and being exactly the opposite of what they desire on purpose so they
can just go away.
What this says about me, mostly, is that I am no longer
accepting of behaviors that don’t move me, my likes, my life, and my love
forward. It says that I actually kinda
like my life, flaws and all, as something I want to not compromise. That really strong feeling that I am happy,
all by myself, and that if I am blessed enough to meet someone who can move me
to believe I want to change that, I will be open and willing. Whoo hoo, a whole person I do not have to
fix, who’s best quality is going to be his love, and life, and authenticity as
it melds in my world, as much as I meld in his.
Back to the relationships of others for a second. Trust me when I say there is no judgement in
my desire for my friend’s happiness, I mean it.
I want them to feel whole all by themselves, and feel valued and loved
in healthy, happy ways. I also want them
all to find the line that makes another mistake minimized. Not to cut off love before it starts, but to
cut off heartache. Is that really too
much to ask? Too much to model? Too much to work every day for? I don’t think so. But then again, I am single, in a really
amazing relationship with myself. I will
(continue) to let you know how that is working out. Maybe over coffee (or wine)
and we can share some of it together.
Build a good relationship that lasts.
I’m in.
