Roadblock

 It was raining when I left work today.  I was wearing a short sleeved shirt, and no socks with my shoes, and I hadn't brought a jacket. I had parked a little further away than usual this morning because it was warm when I had walked in, and the idea of taking a little longer to get inside was not going to be a bad decision.  I thought I didn't care about a little weather.

So when I started my engine, and cranked up the heat to warm my feet and dry my hands, I wondered if I could get away with driving down the coast a bit, and finding a warm latte before it got dark. Like all good spontaneous adventures I have ever had, I had no idea what I would find, or where, or if I would regret it or celebrate it when I was done.  Would there be a café open?  Would they have run out of decaf, but instead offer me a house special that was more chai and spice than what I had pictured? Would there be musicians just picking up guitars over there in the corner, stashing cases and coats before putting on their stage hats and heading to adjust the mic?  Would there be other tables with just one person at them, newspaper folded in front of them, and a pen attached to a journal with a large rubberband, peeking from the top of a slumped messenger bag? Would I talk to them about writing and getting published for over an hour and never ask their name?

All those were possibilities, because they had already happened once upon a time.  Them, and dozens more. And I had been open to the magic before, so it found me. I could almost feel the latte foam on  my tongue.  The craving, the desire, was real. I could taste it.

But then something else happened. I heard the voice in my head ask me what I was trying to get away with and from whom?  You would have no one to tell this story to, Elise, so why are you going?  Rain, well,  rain was just going to make the roads slippery, not more romantic, and you could get in a car accident.  And traffic.  It is just a regular old Thursday.  No magic here. And the rain without a coat suddenly seemed just wet, and cold, and ridiculously lonely. As immediate as the desire was, the reality was really different in my head. I couldn't shake it. Blocked.

And I didn't go.

I am kicking myself now, as I write this, having just watched the last of the light slip away too early, and for already having put on slippers.  I am trying to figure out what my brain did.  Was that fear?  Was that anxiety?  Was it plain old fucked up depression?  Had I hit this wall? Again? Fuck. I wanted a latte.  I settled for a glass of milk.  It is not enough. This space I am in is not enough, and I am fighting leaving it anyway. Sigh. Apparently today I could not get away with it, whatever that means. And I don't want to fake it. I do actually care, just not enough today to move in the right direction, as baby steps as a latte could have been. As easy as a drive could have been.

I will call and start looking for a counselor tomorrow, because I don't want this.  And I will write, I know that, because I have to again, and that sucks. I want the magic voice back. The one that I started with right after work. I want to listen. I want to trust.  This time feels rougher, but not as deep.  It will pass, I know. Wait five minutes the weather will change. The road will be free of traffic.  My latte will be waiting

But, fuck, I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow. 

Levelup

Today I started my earnest effort to not bother trying to date (or even talk to for that matter) any person who simply does not meet my basic criteria.

You would think this is a no brainer.  Like hey, Elise, maybe don't date people with giant ass red flags, or creepy first impressions.  Legit, maybe pay attention to all of them, because if you are lucky enough to have them show up as who they will be eventually, you really should believe them.  

But something changed in my level of initial acceptance.  Maybe it has to do with the left over remnants of the 2016 election.  Maybe it has to do with the trials against racist slugs currently in the headlines.  Maybe it is just my extrovert tendencies that got all thwarted during a pandemic while watching selfish people cause it to feel prolonged and isolating.  Maybe it is because I am just tired of rudeness.

Don't get me wrong, this blog is not the most polite thing you will ever read.  I fucking cuss.  I call out crap behavior that has me angry or sad ,and I don't really worry much about that person's feeling when doing it. I talk bad about myself with both pity and self righteousness, and am sure I hit plenty of nerves by pointing out the obvious as I see it in the world.  My blog.  I can do that.

What I don't do, though, is try to convince potential romantic partners that they need to see things my way, and then expect them to still like me when they don't. Because I don't and I won't. I promise not to  like you, and I don't want you to like me, either.

Case in point, since I am on dating apps, is having someone tell me that I am too sensitive when I am told that I would be so much prettier if I just stopped having (the wrong) opinion about politics and I tell them (politely as I could manage) to fuck off.  Seems that does not go over well, and I end up having to block them.  Today that happened with one person wanting me to be *an intellectual sparring partner*, then showing me a TikTok of Biden getting hit with a baseball bat and a caption saying that explains everything, while laughing. It happened a second time with someone else I dated like 7 years ago who wondered why I had unfriended him on Facebook. So I accepted the new friend request, only to have his cover photo be a Let's Go Brandon logo over an American flag.  I not only unfriended him again, but also blocked him this time.  A third person (I had to assume was actually a scammer because of all the personal questions), was angry when I wouldn't answer.  I told them I would be happy to answer all of their questions over coffee tomorrow morning, just pick the place since we are local.  They couldn't, of course, because they are currently out of the country on a contract in Syria for an oil company, but will be back in the Americans (yes, that is how they spelled it) in a few months, but for me to please wait for them by talking to them on WhatApp.  I said no, told them I would be happy to help them stay faithful to me by having their profile blocked, and then laughed.  I got called a bitch right before I reported them.

Because, it turns out, I didn't like them. And that is fine. Next.

But this isn't the worst part to me.  The worst part is recognizing that I have, in the past, not had these kinds of boundaries when the person is real, but is really just a not a good match for me, or worse, an actual douchebag. I have believed that certain traits are things I can just adjust to, because people are just different, and I need to be open minded.  But really, why? Why do I have to accept bad behavior, or things that are just kinda gross to me.? Do I have to be okay with someone who justifies why they voted for Trump twice?  Do I have to be okay with people who think the men who murdered Ahmaud Arbery should not have been put on trial for hate crimes?  Do I need to just feel pity for the people cheering for the likes of Marjorie Taylor Green as she talks about her like for Putin, or can I just fucking punch them in the face and be done with it?

Apparently I don't have the patience to date people anymore who complain about the state of the world (and by world, they always mean *'Merica*) but do no work to help, make no effort to educate themselves on multiple views and solutions, and don't vote. My ex was that, by the way, and all I can think now is how gross, arrogant, and repulsively stagnant he was about this.  I am actually grateful today because it helped me see a whole bunch of crap I might have overlooked before for the sake of romance.  I am not desperate, and I don't need to spend another five years figuring out just how useless someone was in my life before it ends.  It can end before date one, and I can be just fine without them in a truly never kind of way.

I wonder what kinds of people will show up tomorrow.  I am sure my list of requirements will just get more defined all the time. Time to Level Up.