Spinning

I have been spinning things in my head. Possibly because I am not writing often enough here at blog central.  Possibly because I stopped seeing (read that as stopped being able to afford) my counselor.  Possibly because I have not been taking enough Vitamin D.  Possibly because there are people in my children's lives who have no freaking clue who they are or what they need, and it has me just a touch freaked out.  Yep, that's it.  Sleep has skipped out on me.

Last night, while listening to the clock strike the 1:30am chime, I also heard a really loud thump against my bedroom wall.  Turns out it was my daughter's knee, and she was just as awake as I was.  Awake, and wanting to talk.  I got us some milk, used the bathroom, and cuddled us both up in her duvet on the twin bed. 

Turns out that she is kinda feeling a lot of the same things I am feeling.  

Yesterday, earlier in the evening we had her counseling appointment. The usual rules applied for the session in that the adult(s) (usually it is just me, last night her father joined us) get about 5 minutes of time at the very beginning to state some thing that has been happening that we think might need to be discussed.  Something about how things are going from a relationship status, friends, feelings blah blah blah.  It really is just a starter, and then the child who has the appointment goes in without anyone else and gets to direct the session. Last night my ex wanted to talk about the letter I gave his wife about no-contact, and why I had let my daughter (and son) know the contents of the letter.  He wanted the counselor to say how wrong wrong wrong that was of me to involve them.  He did not want to talk about his wife's crying jags, or that she called me a bitch in front of my kids, or that my kids don't like her. 

I stayed very quiet for the most part, gauging my daughter's reactions, and seeing her eyes roll a couple times, I knew that nothing I could say right then would make one damn bit of difference.

The counselor gave me a little reprimand for having shared "adult" topics with my children, and that those should be off limits.  A slight warning about courts and stuff.  Whatever.  I have been doing this long enough now to know the courts don't actually give a shit. Next.  My ex was told he need to get some parenting classes and was advised that his wife should learn to respect boundaries.  Again, next.

What I didn't realize until 1:31am, cuddled around my daughter, was that she heard the counselor say all that too, and instead of talking to her counselor about her feelings, she talked about nothing.  Her thought was that the whole session was a waste of time.  I got it quickly, in that early morning flash of insight that sometimes happens; my daughter believed that her counselor had told her that the entire TOPIC labeled as "adult" were now off limits for her to talk about, too.  She was feeling isolated and alone because she had lost her outlet of the counselor and was afraid that my "reprimand" meant I was going to stop talking about the stuff with her for fear of some court reprisal. 

That was what the eye rolling had meant. It had meant, in her head, to convey to me that she knew better.  That she knew that was not the mom she got.  She got the mom that was going to say stuff to her honestly and openly, and counselor reprimands or not, nothing had changed.

Then came the spinning in her head, the self doubt, the over-thinking.  Oh how like her mother she actually is.  What if mom stops talking to me?  What if mom really does think I don't need to hear adult topics?  What if I can't trust my mom to tell me the truth in a way that I will understand?  What if she takes Dad's side, and I am stuck without any choices?  Wow, my girl can spin it.  This all came out in a rather heavy sobbing-and-grasping meltdown fueled by exhaustion.  She was afraid.

She got my reassurance, and commitment, to never treat her in a way that makes her less intelligent than I know she is.  I helped her see that I was not going anywhere and that my silence at the counseling session was not me abandoning her, but siding with her in knowing that nothing we said right then would change US.  I cried with her, letting her know that I was scared, too. Not of the courts, but that maybe I had forced upon her a growing-up-fast mantra she did not need to have.  She sighed a lot as I held her.  She was drained, but relieved, I knew, because her body softened, her yawns started, and she hugged me when I told her I loved her.

She fell asleep after I told her I would not leave until my butt started hurting too much from being squished in a twin bed, and that her feet stank.  She giggles, cuddled up, sighed and asked if we could talk more later because she was tired.  She made me pinky-swear-cross-my-heart-promise.  I did.  I fell asleep not too long after.

I am hoping for less spinning and more sleep tonight.  You might be seeing more blogs on the topic just so both my daughter and I can rest.  I think I will go buy her another journal, one with pretty spinning colors on the front.  One we can share.  Like mother like daughter.  Her next counseling appointment, should she decide she wants to go, will involve exploring adult topics. She gets this, and I am more than willing to understand that about her, even if no one else does.

Never trust Hallmark

I was handed a card a few weeks ago on a Wednesday evening.  It had my name on it. So I guess it was intended for me.  My ex handed it to me.  I took it, the way most people do when handed things, without even thinking about it much at first.  I mean I try not to take the flyer and other advertisements that hawkers at places like the Boardwalk and the farmer's market try to hand me. But usually it still ends up in my hands, with me shaking my head wondering what the fuck I am supposed to do with it now.  I also usually say thank you, trying to be polite in the most ordinary non-committal way possible.

When I was handed this particular card by my ex, in the split second it was in my hand, I read that it not only had my name on it, but both my children's names as well.  And get this, it also had my ex's name right there in black ink on the Hallmark yellow envelope.  I also tried to process, in that split second, what it could be, and who had not heard that the four of were not a family any more.  Invitation to a BBQ? Photos from an event years ago we all attended? Cash from a family member using both me and my kid's father as a filter for my children's potential riches?

But, suspiciously, instead of the words "thank you" coming out of my mouth, I said "Who is this from?"  It only slightly shocked me that it was from my ex's wife.


On Friday of that week, I handed my ex a letter I had written.  It outlined in no uncertain terms my exact expectation from his wife, and his own continuing belief that I somehow give a shit about her, him, or their continuing happiness together as  people, a couple, or as adults in my children's lives.  I honestly, at this point three years in, could care less if they are happy, sad, indifferent.  Basically I just want them both to leave me the fuck alone, and barring that, for her to never ever ever talk to me.  Seems completely clear in my head.

Having written the letter, I owed it to my children to give them the heads-up that there was going to be fall out from it in the form of whining and crying and convincing and name-calling, and that while I was not changing my position, I would not do it if they thought the outcome was more than they could handle.  My daughter, being the amazing relationship guru of all time said "About time you said all this." My son, the more ethereal of the two in matters of emotions was quiet but said he could handle it, and demonstrated his technique by pulling up the hood on his jacket and plugging his ears.  We all laughed, because it was damn funny, and then let it go.  I gave the letter to their father at pickup.

The fall out was as expected.  His wife called my daughter mean, while crying and saying how hurt she was.  Their father said that it was all my fault because I was just a bitch who didn't want any happiness in her life and was poisoning them.  The family meeting they held involved more crying on his wife's part, a decision (without my children's input or consent, mine either for that matter) that family counseling would be in order, and a plea for the kids to try to "bring your mom around, we all just want to be a big happy family".

I let my kids choose their own interpretation, and mostly it came down to feeling like it was all fake and manipulative. We moved on, and basically decided the decision was on my ex and his wife to abide by my wishes or not.  I expected not, but we could deal with that when it happened.  I was happy to have said it again, even if they paid no attention to it at all.

Yesterday was Father's Day.  My kids spent it  with their dad.  I also knew his wife would be around, doing whatever it is she does, and that being the newly self-appointed guardian of my children's well being as it relates to their father, she would have her hand in all the plans.  What happened falls in to the category of the truly weird.  She came up to my daughter on her own on Sunday morning, while my daughter was peacefully munching Coco Puffs near the pool and told my daughter about how much she wanted to start hanging out with me, be my friend, and join in on the five of us (that would be me, my ex, the two kids, and her I suppose) becoming a close family. To that end, she promised to start coming to my children's counseling sessions so she could be recognized as an important mother figure in my children's lives. 

Um.. what the fuck?

My daughter got home and told me all about it, and asked if she could call her counselor right then.  I dialed and handed her the phone. She articulately told her counselor that she did not want her dad's wife there, and could the counselor call her dad and tell him too. Thirty or so minutes later, my ex texted, asking my daughter to call.  I let her. He proceeded to try to tell her that she had misunderstood his wife, and that she didn't really mean all that , and that she would come to the counseling session and sit in the car and that my daughter needs to be nice.  I heard the whole thing, saw my daughter's face of confusion, took the phone and said to him that I believed every word my daughter had to say, that I didn't appreciate him calling her a liar, that I was so proud of her for doing the right thing and calling her counselor and that his wife was not welcome, period.

He tried to spin it. It is his usual MO.  I am poisoning the kids, I am negative and unhappy. I want him to suffer and never have anything positive in his life blah blah blah.  Before I hung up I said, feel free to do what you want, but that I would be happy to help my daughter call him a liar to his face at the next counseling meeting.

So now we wait.  I could predict what this will be like.  He will show up, chickie girl will stay in the car.  He will try to say my daughter misunderstood, but wouldn't family counseling be a good thing for all of us so we can all be happy.  He will basically be ignored and he doesn't even know it yet.  His wife will not even exist, and the kids and I will go have See's candy and pizza and laugh a lot.  They will not be invited.  They don't belong in our world and they are desperately trying to figure out how to hold on to the happiness and strength my children and I exude from our whole being.

All this started because I thought a big yellow envelope might contain something fun.  Damn optimistic streak! Moral of the story?  Stop taking those damn flyers, and keep saying no when you mean it. Counseling on Tuesday can't come fast enough.  Bring it!