I thought I lost a friend this week.
Turns out I didn’t “lose” anything. I know right where he is. And though it is a claim that he was walking
away, and that I was going to be no longer allowed in his heart and life, truth
is, he hasn’t been going anywhere but in circles under a wandering star for a
long, long time, and I had been making steady progress on my journey of
self-reliance and solid values, and he had not come along at all. And when it
got hard, and required actual putting foundation into practice, test the
stability he so desperately needs, he bailed.
I thought I would be hurt.
Truly, I love him. But what I feel
more is relief.
In the past few years, I have had things happen. If you have read this blog at all, you will
understand the road, and know that getting myself out of an almost debilitating
depression and codependency has been a tortured path. I was not always successful, and had lots of
times when I stood still, or took steps backwards. This often happened when I was hit with a 2x4
to the back of the head, bleeding and damaged, and some ugly monster came out and tried to pull me
back under.
It was, and is always, a fight. It is not pretty. I can get
moody. And by moody, I mean fucked up
neurotic. I am selfish, and
distant. I get quiet, then unpredictably
angry. I forget things. I cry. I am not
particularly helpful and have a hard time understanding your world while I am
caught up in mine. But, to my defense,
while this used to be my norm, it is now my exception.
Let me say that again.
It is my exception.
Recently, I had one of the exception times show up full
force. My ex (you can read about him all
you want in other blogs, and it will give you some insight into who he was/is
and how I got out) decided to drag me back into court. The reason and
justification for why is not even the issue, because honestly, he and I will
not be happily co-parenting, ever, and this is just one more way I have to deal
with him. It was a 2x4, for sure. It put
me on the floor, the way it does for most people when they are smack in the middle
of their old lives without much choice but to get through it with some semblance
of grace. I was not succeeding in the
grace department, but was blessed with knowing I would get out of it. I had
before, I would again. I just needed the reminder.
The reminder came in the form of being held while I
cried. It came in the form of long
conversations with my children. It came
in fun activities. And movies. And good sex. And a truly deep happiness that I
would try to suppress, because, well, I am stupid about my own happiness
sometimes. And stability. And being still.
It did not need to pursue anything else.
I already had the tools and the gifts.
What is did not look like was the constant instability this friend
lived in. It did not look like pretty
words without a lot of follow through.
It did not look like a list of desires without any work towards them. Or
blame when personal actions caused the instability. Or like excuses for others
who did not move forward together. It
did not look like having to find myself in a different place because I could
not face any of the mess.
On the literal contrary, it looked like actually being in
the mess daily. There was no avoidance
on my part. I was blunt, maybe to the
point of shock. I was non-accepting of
people who were also a mess and doing nothing about it but felt empowered to
try to drag me there, too. There was no
more desire for connection to people who did not meet the rules of the Yes
List, or who were flat-out on the No List.
I would not develop relationships with rude alcoholics making noise in
the middle of the night. I would not
wait for yet another phone call from a manipulative suicidal narcissist whose
needs were so heavy that it stopped all progress toward other goals. I would not try to get to know temporary romances
from 1200 miles away that barely sparked of passion and could only be had in 48
hour blocks of time once every 6 weeks or so.
I was in no position to create yet another black hole emotion vacuum
just for the sake of the newness, when I wasn’t making the stuff I already had
my sights set on, work. I was staying
put. Roots. Fight. Stability. Grounded.
This is not where this friend is. At least not with me. I
had picked moving towards strengthening MY emotions with the people in my life
who said they would stay. I had to trust them. I had said that I thought I didn’t
have a tribe, but what I really found out was that I do have a tribe, just,
sadly, one that did not include him. I
thought maybe I had just been too raw with someone else who was also too raw
and that maybe we could not support each other.
But that wasn’t true. I might
have pushed hard, and been distant, but I never walked away, never said
encouraging connected words only to not mean them, and I never used the excuse
that there were others that thought I should eliminate people from my life and
then actually listened. I have come to trust myself, my core of knowing where I
came from, how it plays in my life, and what I am both willing and unwilling to
do to keep it that way. My core about it is totally defined, and not at all by
others, even when I listen to their counsel.
Nope, I take full responsibility for my own choices,
supported or not, because that is part of my journey as well. I am no longer interested in how things can’t
be fixed. I want to stomp and whine
about them, and then put in the real work, even when it is hard. Even when it looks like I am alone. Then I want the people who say that they will
stick by it to actually do that. If you can’t? Well, you can go. I will not be examining it further except to
realize I want the stability I have created.
My job that pays my bills. My
lack of bills to begin with. My house. My running car. My amazing children and the learning they are
doing, even with the bumps, and my role in that. My belief in parenthood and everything I have
done to make that as my first priority, regardless of the boulders that sometimes
seem to block my path. My desire for communication inside my partnership, and
having that get stronger every single day. Love on a much deeper level. One that knows that in order to actually have
all the good stuff, you have to get through the bad stuff. And that even when
it looks uneven, it all comes around to settled when it is working. No books, no meetings, no unprecedented clarity.
Just everyday ordinary heartbreak and redemption. I take it. Life, with all of its compromise
and thorns, and joy and forgiveness, and ache and laughter. I get to have this. I get to stay.
So yeah, I thought I lost a friend. Turns out I didn’t lose
anything. He is right there, still
spinning in his universe wondering what happened to get him to where he is at,
and how he believes he will have to change his life and start all over. Again. I am grateful for getting to stand perfectly
still this time and just kinda wave as he floats away on yet another star. I am
not going anywhere, and for that hard won stability, I am grateful.
