There are things in this
world that make me go “Huh?” At least I know I am not crazy.
I have talked before
about my ex, and specifically about how my world was inside of my relationship
with him. Having been out of it for long enough now, I know better than to ask my ex for anything
and expect cooperation. So when he recently showed up for some stuff my son has
been struggling with, and that I have been frustrated with, it was a pleasant
surprise. I saw it as a positive that maybe he was coming around to
seeing my children’s needs without having to get too wrapped up in fueling out
rather tamed animosity. Go parenting 101!
Because of that very
fact, and because I never have to interact with him for things that *I* want, I
had forgotten. Forgotten that every single thing that you want from him
comes with strings, comes with a price. The price is always framed as “of
your own choosing”. For me, it was always affection that was withheld because
of some error or task not completed to his liking. Everything from the dishwasher not loaded correctly, to my socks
on the floor in front of my closet, to not being sexually aroused enough when I
was woke up in the middle of the night, were all fatal flaws worthy of his
passive distain and active rejection of my desires for intimacy and shared
activities. He would withhold a hug or a kiss, or not participate in a
scheduled activity, claiming to be too tired from having to complete said chore
to be able to go. I didn’t unload the dishwasher, so he would, but then
it meant he would not go with me to the beach in a pouty fit of exhaustion.
I did not know that he
had been doing this exact same thing to my kids.
My son desperately wants
his father’s attention. He wants to please him and spend time with him,
building male bonds and doing male stuff. In my son’s head, shooting BB guns,
playing video games, going for bike rides, and hunting the beach for seaglass
at the local beach dump are all the most perfect activities to do with his dad.
He is, after all, 12. So when given the option of helping clean out
the car, or play video games, video games are an easy choice. Even I get
that one, duh. This however has recently been met with the same kind of
dismissal of blame as I used to get. Seems if my son chooses to play
video games instead of clean the car, suddenly his dad is too tired from not
having gotten any help with the task that he cannot possibly go on the hike
they had planned. Or bike ride. Or movie. Or beach day. Nothing.
My son gets nothing if he did not comply. And of course, my ex
quickly points out all the reasons why this is now my son’s fault.
Oh. My. God. This is
gaslighting.
I had forgotten just how
much this happened. I no longer had it in my life, but never imagined
that my children would now be the targets. This is not ordinary behavior.
This is narcissistic, selfish, sociopath behavior. And worse, my son was
starting to believe it. Like literally thinking that he was a bad son
because he was not helping his dad with chores and needed to be punished
because he made normal kid choices. His dad, according to him, was right
to not spend any extra time with him because he had so failed his dad by
choosing Mario Kart instead of a hand-held vacuum. My son was beginning
to believe that he deserved to have his dad ignore him. He believed he was wasting his time playing
video games when he could have spent it with his dad, and that his dad not
wanting at some later point in the day was completely his fault, and that he
was to blame.
I was almost in tears as
I cuddled next to my son and told him it is not his fault. I told him
that no matter what he did, if the adult does not want to do what they had said
they were going to do, this is not the kid’s fault. I told him that
people who make plans that they don’t follow through on over and over again never
wanted to do them to begin with, but would find a way to make your
disappointment at their bad behavior all about something you had done. I
told him about times this had happened while his dad and I were still together
where I believed I had so failed him that I did not ever feel worthy of having
even the small things I requested. I was never ever good enough to get
any form of affection, and in my head, that was exactly what I had earned.
I said I was sorry that it was happening to him.
Together we went through
all the things that should be withheld for cause, and things that should never
be withheld. We talked about hugs just being given, but that chores need
to be done before you get to play. We said that planned trips should not
be canceled, but that preparations that are required need to be finished first.
Changing the plans was not okay, especially when the requirements for the
anticipated plans were never outlined. You cannot be held responsible for
not knowing there were rules.
I don’t think I have him completely convince yet. His dad still walks on water, and with the
little bit of praise and attention my son gets it is natural that he holds on
tight to every bit of it. I get
it. That is a hard position to even
grasp who you are, much less walk away from. I had this kind of blame in my
life before, and you begin to believe that you must accept what you get because
it is so fragile, and that it might be taken at any time, and then where would
you be.
Where would he be? I
couldn’t even be angry with his logic.
He is, after all, 12. I guess I
will just have to continue to show him.
Stay so consistent and in his corner that when and if he realizes what
little he is getting he will know where to recharge. He will have a safe place to fall, and someone to pick him back
up. Every bit of parenting skill I have
to love him through it, even when I know that the very things I consider
consistent might be exactly what he fights against. There is no power play at work on my end, but there are
expectations. There is no punishment
for offered choices, but there are still required chores. There is no canceling of already made plans,
but there is a limiting on plans that can be made. I will play the hard game when I have to, but I will also not
punish by neglect when things are done right.
There may not be a lot of material rewards in the process, but I hope he
can find consistent drive for himself without having to rely on manipulation. I will be his biggest cheerleader when he
succeeds, and know that, really, I will have taught him to trust himself
without me. I will be the good parent,
even if I am not the one he likes. Love
is like that.
Maybe next time I think “huh?” my son will be looking in the
same direction I am and will be thinking the same thing, and that it really is
not us, and we are not crazy. Then maybe we will have to watch the Ingrid
Berman film together.
