Positive Affirmations, here I come.
I don't know what to think about positive affirmations. They sound a little too hokey-Hallmark-O Network-feel good-blah blah for my tastes. I mean, it sure is nice to hear the you are pretty, or you are energized, or you are successful. But what if you don't feel that way, will hearing it from yourself really help? What if all that happens when you look in the mirror, say the positive words, and smile, is that the person looks back and say "liar!"?
I know that sounded funny, and a little pathetic, but that is actually how I see it right now. Giving myself praise feels weird. More than weird, it feels wrong some how. I am not getting that kind of verbal loving praise from anyone else, and can't even remember a time when I did.
I can remember for a very long time being told exactly the opposite. I was not worthy of anything because I was nothing. I was too fat to be sexy, though there were no complaints about the amount of sex. I was too stupid to be able to do anything right, though there were no complaints about the bills being done on time. I was too ugly to be seen with, though there were serious complaints if I cut my hair in a style I liked, or wore make-up or jewelry, or clothes that fit. I did not know how to load the dish washer correctly, the kids were too whiny, and the car was never clean. I could not be kissed if I had not just brushed my teeth, though if I was put off by the smell of brandy, my refusal to do the same was punished with remarks about how much of a cold bitch I was.
I can say it loudly that I am proud that I have never cheated on any of my relationships. It was not for lack of desire or opportunity, it was just not who I am. I did tell my ex one time that I was attracted to someone at work who was paying a lot of attention to me. It was right after Haysten was born, and given all that happened during that pregnancy, and how I felt about my body, I was pretty shocked anyone noticed me at all. When I confessed this feeling, the words I got back were "Liar, no one will ever be attracted to you." Instead of doing what normal women would do, and smack the bastard upside the head for being, well, a bastard, I said to myself (in my messed up head, of course) "Wow, I really must be lying (read that as delusional) since no one who loves me would say something that mean and not have it be true." I changed work shifts and never talked to the other man again, just in case.
I am learning that there have been a bunch of times in my life, even recently, where I accepted that kind of put down with out any doubt whatsoever that the person saying it was completely right. When I was sure I wanted to be a lawyer and a writer, I was told that that was not a skill for a woman and I should be sure to get my typing skills and teaching knowledge in hand so I would have something to fall back on in case writing and law school didn't work out. I never bothered to apply to law school. I took six zillion English classes but ended up teach pre-school. I never bothered to submit my work. Why would I? I was not a writer, and definitely not one with any talent.
(Okay, I will post links to stories I did write that got published, but want you to know that it scares the hell out of me to both admit that I wrote something, and that it was good enough to get printed).
So back to positive affirmations. Today I will look in the mirror and say out loud "You are an honest and trustworthy person". I will say it again tomorrow. Maybe if I say it everyday for the next few decades I might be able to move on to some other saying. I am voting for beautiful and talented next.
Here are the links BTW: (scroll down and find my name, then come back and read them all, they are good)
Three in this posting:
http://www.montereycountyweekly.com/news/2009/dec/23/the-short-of-it/
One here:
http://www.montereycountyweekly.com/news/2006/jan/05/fast-reads/
I WON in 1999, but they have taken down the link. I will find it and scan it.
