Spotless houses are not something I strive for. Don't get me wrong, I like a clean house as much as the next person, it just has (as an adult) never been near the top of my list of things to care about. Yep, I had to start figuring out why.
It's not like I don't know how to load a dishwasher, I do. It's not like I don't know how to fold towels and get them to the closet, I do. It's not like I don't know how to identify limes that used to be heads of lettuce in the back of my fridge, I do. What I don't know how to do is stop hearing my mom's voice (and sometimes my ex-husband's voice) in the back of my head (and sometimes on my phone) that it is not done correctly, timely, and with ease. Growing up, everything was "easy" yet some how (I was told often) I just was not capable of mastering it.
A week or two ago, I needed someone to come unlock my door so that the city inspector could come check if the grommets on my heater were properly plasticised (or some such bullshit), in the middle of the workday (the joys of home ownership!). Why the voice in my head that said "Don't call your mom!" was not heeded, I don't know. Before I could have even changed my mind about asking her to come over and let the guy in, I heard her say it: "I hope your house is clean enough for me to step into, I don't want to be embarrassed."
Yep, opening the garage door to a guy she had never met, who she will never see again, so he could spend 60 seconds looking at a piece of sheet metal, would devastate her if there was laundry on the floor or a pile of dirty dishes.
I changed the appointment. I asked the guy to come later in the day, and I came home. My mother did not have to come into my house. I told her never mind, that I made other plans, and she would not have to worry about any embarrassment I might have caused her.
You would think this would not have made me shaky at all, but not a chance. I had just taken away my mother's right to judge me, or my living conditions. I had just found out that I could do this for myself. Imagine that.
So why do I mention this now? Because I cleaned my house to the nines this weekend. All the laundry, all the dishes, all the vacuuming. I cleaned every surface, every mirror, both bathrooms, and the kitchen floor. It did not take long (about 90 minutes total over 2 days, plus laundry time). Because honestly, my house is usually messy but not dirty, if you know what I mean. I did not do it with any voices in my head telling me it should be done. I did not do it with any provocation of impending visitors or parties. I did not do it and then expect it to stay clean. On the contrary, I did it because I liked it. I did it for me, and my kids helped. This is new, like maybe somehow my house had been a mess out of control, because I could, as an adult, have my house any way I wanted. I have recently decided to have it be a little cleaner just because I could. I think it is just because I am starting to feel better, because I am starting to take care of myself without judgement. What a shocking revelation, who knew?
Now, what I need to do is get my house key back.
