It was Memorial Day 2009 that I moved out of my home of 10 years in Monterey. It took all my strength, all my will power to make that change, and I am learning much more about myself from that decision that any other choice I have ever made. I don't regret it.
I have been on a few dates, though the last one was in February and while "nice", did nothing for my ego, my self esteem, or my sense of something good being just around the corner. It was flat. It was boring. It was average. I have not seen the man again. I don't regret it.
I just finished helping my kids with baseball season. It was an action packed season, running around everywhere. We traveled to Salinas, and Pacific Grove. We had dinner in the car, often junk food or sandwiches. I watched every game, yelled and cheered. I was cold. I got sunburned. I was anxious and disappointed. I don't regret it.
In 2009, when I was first a "new" single mom, I thought the way to fulfill my happiness needs was to date. A lot. I actually was "dating" three guys with the same name at one point, and that was very confusing. I fell in love, or at least lust, a couple times during that time, and confused the two a couple times, too. I was never without a boy to occupy my thoughts for long in between, and have some stories to write about later. I don't regret it.
In 2010 I began searching for a house to buy. I did hours of research, combing every website, every newspaper, every trade magazine to find out what I needed to do, and where I needed to look. I looked at 60 or 70 houses (compared to the national average of 4-5) before making my first bid. That was June. It took until October to work it all out and get to a closing. It took every minute of my time and energy. I do not regret it.
After I purchased the house, it needed painting and repairs. I put in a new furnace, reconfigured the kitchen and one of the bathrooms. I helped the kids paint their rooms, and put up curtains, and pick new throw rugs. I put in new doors and windows. I moved in, and unpacked. I threw a house-warming party and a birthday party within 6 weeks of getting the keys. I got lots of help. I do not regret it.
What I regret is that in all of that, I did zip to take care of myself. Those men, well, they could have anything they wanted without giving back, and I was fine with that. Baseball season was just plain exhausting. House hunting was a great distraction, as was moving, painting, repairing, blah blah blah. The relationship I had left, and the childhood I had long ago moved away from, had given me no skills to understand how to stand on my own. I am very good at the "strength" portion of my life, doing the things that are necessary to make a life work (like fixing the plumbing, or putting in the new tile, or going on dates with random guys who are bad for me) but I am not very good at the "weakness" portion of my life. The part that lets me cry, the part that lets me laugh at my own silliness, the part that is quiet, the part that is alone.
I have not been on a date since February. I have not painted a wall or fixed a thing in quite a while. I have not signed the kids up for another sport. I am feeling everything with great intensity these days, and trying not to distract myself with all the other things I tend to fill my life with. It is tough. I am lonely. I backslide, a lot. I am concentrating on myself, and scared every minute. I am likely to need some help, and have already been getting some. It feels weird, but the most important part is that it feels. I do not regret it.
