Father's day is on Sunday. My children will be with their father. That seems like the way it should be in the world of split families. I can't really argue with it, as I guess the "magic" of that day is important, in the Hallmark kind of way, but honestly, it doesn't matter.
My children and I have lived separate from their father for a little over two years. My own issues about the whys and whatfors of the end of our marriage are just that, my issues. I write about them here, and still find myself in wonder and grief over that relationship. I guess all of that will take time, and with patience not being one of my god-given virtues, I am struggling.
But this is not about me this time, at least not directly. It is about my kids, and how I see them, and what I want for them, and how Father's day is just another day in my book.
I think about how families are constructed, and what creates bonds. Is the card we will make tonight, and the lunch my children will share with their dad on Sunday, be what will ultimately decides how close my children feel to their male parental unit? Was that what bonded them before? Would the lack of that time make or break their future relationship? How about my relationship with them? Will I be either a "nice" mom or an "evil" mom based on when and how my children interact with their father? I certainly hope not. I can only give the opportunity for memories, not their interpretation.
For well over a year there has been a custody and visitation order in place. It sucks to have to think that I need one at all to be a mom, but that is the cards I got dealt. For the most part, the visitation goes smoothly. I know from my children that a weekend at dad's really means lots of TV and video games, chores imposed by their father's wife, and going to some church function or other that requires a special "nice clothes" wardrobe. It is what they get. It is the status quo of their relationship. I am good with that, because in all honestly, it is actually more than they got before the split.
So the Father's day thing to me is a little bit of a hoax. A cop-out for the dads everywhere on that one day, as if the relationship is all grand if the time is spent. How many coffee mugs filled with hammer-shaped chocolates, or burgers on the new BBQ does it take to get a dad's attention? At what point does the day just get you off the hook for not being there every day?
I miss my children when they are gone for the weekend. I have been told by other single moms that at some point I will start to revel in the freedom that two days, twice a month will bring me, but it hasn't happened so far. I love my children's company. I feel gone from them for way too long as I complete the necessary task of going to work. I feel connected and happy when they are just in their rooms, or out in the yard, or asleep. I love making sandwiches, and helping with homework, and playing with Lego's. I love explaining vocabulary, and eclipses, and farts. I love the sand in my car. I love the jackets on the floor. I love the crying and the whining. I love the fights. Yep, I love it all, in that completely daily way that makes me sure that our family is working just fine, thank you, and will continue to work just fine, thank you, even when they are sad that their dad is not there to see it. And that happens less and less the more everyday that becomes. Trust me that I am grateful.
And along comes Father's Day. I will be able to smile as I watch my children drive away in the morning. Not because I am happy they are gone. Not even because I know or care if they will have a good time with their father. I will smile because I know that the small amount of time they spend inside that "magic" Father's day brings is nothing compared to the magic my life is everyday with them in it. Their father does not know that. He never did, and I am sure he never will. So I can grant him that, since the gift I give him is that he has children who love him. I can be okay with it because it costs me nothing, and I get reminded of just how many things I get everyday.
That, and I am going to keep getting myself happy along the way. Happy father's day to my kids!
