Trust is a subjective and fleeting sort of thing with me. I can remember having a conversation with Tobey one time. She asked me to trust her that she would not drop the 25 pound weight on my head (Tobey was my trainer), and I did almost drop the weight on my head when I told her that I didn't trust anyone, and it occurred to me, in that flash of a moment, that I meant it. I remember crying.
My counselor says I have trust issues, to which I said "yeah, ok, duh". And in counselor like fashion he said "And why is that?" I could not pinpoint it exactly as to why this is true except to say it always has been. Family of Origin is a great factor in everything I am learning. My parents controlled everything I did as a kid, from food to class to friends, and I did not have a voice. And when I did make mistakes, I was left to fail on my own without ever having a soft place to fall. A lot of "I-told-you-so"s and "see"s. Nobody seemed to have my back, ever, so I relied on myself. I would do the work, I would to the time, I would take the risks. A single point of failure. A single point of blame.
I have also realized with the lack of trust comes the lack of praise too. If no one is inside who knows how much responsibility I've taken on, there is no on there to give me a pat on the back. And the few times when kudos would have been nice along the way, there weren't any. That is not exactly fair, since there were a few, for the bigger things like home runs and talent show speeches, but the everyday stuff was lost. What I learned that way was that the only thing that deserved any kind of congratulations was the really big stuff. Daily praise was not warranted, and if you accomplished anything small (like a wonderfully written story, or a good grade on math test, or having a baby without pain meds), there was no recognition.
I know that sounds petty, in my own head at least, that wanting a little praise is important. Truth is, I don't feel like I deserve it. I mean, why would someone need to notice if the house was clean, or the diapers were changed, or I stood up for myself in an argument? Why would they notice that I worked for my paycheck, and never said no, and felt guilty if I went on vacation? Why would they notice if what they said hurt my feelings when obviously their needs always came first? Why would I care if I did without praise because it felt so normal not to have any?
So back to trust. Maybe relying on something that seems constant is how I do it. I am constant. Hmm? Yep, that is about it. Everything else changes, everything else moves out of my universe just about the time I start thinking it is a constant. With that comes all the uncertainly and need to stay as my only point of light. It is exhausting, and what goes by the wayside is that I forget to praise myself. Forget is not the right word, since I don't forget, I just don't know how. Praising yourself is like high-fiving air. Praising yourself is like taking a nap after 8 hours of sleep. Praising yourself is like putting on gloves when your hands are already covered with blood. I falls into the "what is the point?" category and I don't understand it. You would think it would be obvious, but no such luck.
Praise would mean I trust myself, and I can tell you right now that I don't. If I accept praise from myself it would feel like a lie, and with no one there to dispute it and tell me otherwise, what gauge do I have to say it is the truth? It even feels weird to write it, knowing that someone might read it, say something to me about it, and I will put up the wall that says "yeah, ok, duh". "And why is that?" If I don't let myself trust you, you can't hurt me, right? Double edged swords are really difficult to balance on.
