Today I am going to write about feeling a sense of freedom, at the same time being scared out of my mind. Old tapes, I know. Some of the tapes include feeling like I should not rock the boat, some that I should take the high road, some that I am just plain wrong. This tape falls into all three categories. I am also innately fearful that someone, anyone will show this blog to my ex and somehow the use of it will hurt me in the long run.
Oh well, here goes my truth.
My ex, in the delusional state that I think he now resides (somewhere near denial, not quite to psychotic) is rewriting our custody order in his head. He no longer knows the days of the week, or remembers, it seems, that we worked really hard last year, via co-parent counselors, court assessors, and attorneys (not to mention a whole bunch of money) to make sure that there was a visitation arrangement pretty close to written in stone. Yes, this might seem excessive, but it was for days and weeks just like this week that it was done. It has been a year in practice, and I am comfortable with it.
Then, out of nowhere, I am told that he wants me to "split" the Thursday and Friday after school gets out, and will be picking the kids up early on Thursday. HUH? This is news to me, since as far as I can tell, there is nothing to "split" about it. I have my kids on Thursday and Friday. I have them every Thursday and Friday that is not a holiday. I double checked my calendar, and sure enough, THIS Thursday and Friday are not holidays.
When I explained that exact point (via email, because strangely enough, my ex seems to still be pissed off at me enough to not actually talk to me, go figure) and even offered instead to do a trade day so I did not miss time with my kids, the response I got was for him to call our child care provider and rant at them, refusing to pay the balance due for the month, stating he did not want to pay for Thursday and Friday. Really? That was it? I expected something much more hideous for saying "no".
I am sure I expected more fireworks from me pointing out the obvious, all because of my own fears about rejections and making trouble. After all, in my head, I had spun saying no into a court hearing discussing the potential changing of the permanent schedule, and pointing out all the reasons why I do not qualify as a decent human being. Bullshit, yes, but the tapes in my head did it anyway.
I don't know what will happen at the exchange tonight. I have several old tapes playing in my head about it. I am trying to change that. I want to say something that might get me in trouble. I want to run and cry. I want to say something nasty just to provoke the fight. What I am going to do instead is see what happens and not say a word, hug my kids close and remind them about the movie tonight. If my ex says something about me being "unreasonable" (read that as bitch), I will smile and remind him of the court orders and my offer to trade days, and then I will go inside and leave it in his lap. I will be busy, having to make hot chocolate.
So freedom comes from feeling like I will not back down if confronted. The fear comes from remembering all the times I didn't. New truths require new tapes, I just don't have any expereince with them. I wonder which type will serve me best.
